That is enough!

Alex's ninth month was not what I was expecting. Granted he was sick but somehow it turned out to be one very painful moment for me. Up until that point every time we would go for his appointments our pediatrician would tell us how big he was, over the top big, healthy and adorable! Now this is what every mother wants to hear when you take your baby to the doctor, and besides the fact that he had a cold there was nothing different this time so I was fully expecting the same assessment. Well he said that yes he was healthy, adorable, over the top long but then he also said he had dropped some percentages in weight - he didn't lose weight but he hadn't gained weight as much as times past. I remember feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach, as he turned to me and asked me if he had been sick for a while. Well no, in fact he had just gotten sick that morning. He went on to say that some kids drop some weight percentiles around this time because of introduction to solids, and in this case Alex burning plenty of calories as he had been crawling for over a month. He also mentioned that it was probably because he is SO long, in fact he told us he was in the 95th percentile for length. Well needless to say that I didn't hear any of that, I was obsessed with the fact that his weight wasn't where it needed to be. All of the other nice things he said during the course of the appointment were quickly dismissed as my "worrier" personality took over and I wanted to cry right there in the middle of the office. It didn't matter that he had said it was nothing to worry about, I was worried. It didn't matter that he had said he was healthy - not anemic- no to me he had gone down on weight percentiles and that was all that mattered. It was as if I had given a huge microphone to that side of me that constantly tells me that this is too hard, and with every thought I kept turning up the volume. I couldn't understand why I was so upset with myself. Yes I felt guilty because somehow this was a reflection on my mothering, was I not feeding him enough? I remember calling my mom right after the appointment and just crying telling her that I felt I had done things right and I didn't understand why now all of a sudden I needed to supplement with a bit of formula. My mom listened and then with a bit of a chuckle she said: Denhi, what you really want is for the doctor to tell you that he has never seen a healthier boy, that he is over the top in every percentage, and you want to hear that every time you go! Let me tell you that that is not going to happen, adjust your expectations of yourself and you'll be happier, Alex is healthy and you have done your best, and that is enough! My mom has never been one to beat around the bush. You know how sometimes the truth is hard to take and you end up getting upset? Well I wasn't upset one bit, and I knew that she was absolutely right. What she said pierced me, and I knew I wanted to hear that, and yes every time! Was that too much to ask? I struggled with this for two weeks, until this week. For whatever reason I gained acceptance. I decided to turn off that microphone. It was so loud I couldn't hear all of the other wonderful things around me. I still struggle with the idea that my best is enough, furthermore, that my best is enough for Alex...but I'm working on it. I remember my mom, and her words...and now I chuckle. I repeat to myself: Denhi you have done your best and - thinking of her tone of voice - THAT IS ENOUGH!