Bittersweet Goodbye

I remember it clearly. The moment that is. I don't remember the day, the month, or what I was wearing but I do remember hearing the cry in the monitor and dragging myself out of bed to go nurse Alex when he was about 2 months. I remember holding this tiny little thing, sitting on the recliner and just closing my eyes out of exhaustion. I thought about the day I didn't have to do this anymore, and thought how sweet that day would be. Now I sort of wish I could take that back. Don't get me wrong I'm such a better mom when I'm able to get a full night of sleep. But as of this week I've realized that Alex has self-weaned. I was planning to do some extended breastfeeding just in the mornings as I knew of the benefits and such. I cannot describe the feeling of sadness I experienced today as I noticed Alex is no longer interested but prefers his sippy cup filled with fresh whole milk. I thought back to that moment when I wished this day to come. Well, it's finally here and I wish, somehow, I could go back. Alex is growing up, and it is completely and absolutely bittersweet.

A bittersweet goodbye, that's all it is. In reality, it seems we moms go through it all the time. Bittersweet when they learn to sit up, because that means he's getting control of his head and such but how we're going to miss holding onto that little head with tenderness. Bittersweet when they start crawling because that means no more rolling around on the floor. Bittersweet when they start walking because that means no more crawling with that sweet little bum moving from side to side.

A bittersweet goodbye, I keep telling myself. The truth is sometimes it comes and we're not ready for it - even though we try to convince ourselves we are. I know I'm not ready for this separation, but I do know I'm ready to know I'll be ready someday. A bittersweet goodbye, which one day will be more sweet and less bitter. But for now, I'm enjoying the now, what he's currently doing such as holding my hair when I hug him, giving me kisses on the nose, and playing hide and seek....which are all sweet.