Bully reflections and tips

I have been thinking about writing about this topic for a while. It has been on my mind since I talked to my sister and she told me that my sweet nephew (only 4 years of age) was experiencing his first taste of being bullied. Granted he wasn't the only one, but I couldn't help but feel shocked that this is happening in preschool already. Yep, I was disgusted. In trying to help her find some solutions I thought back to my own practice and training with children experiencing trauma. I hadn't received training specifically for bullying but I was able to help her with some tips. But before I get to that kudos to my wonderful sis because in reality she had already done plenty to help with the situation. Most kids who are bullied never ever tell their parents, most of the time parents are completely unaware of the situation until there is definite scarring. It was interesting for me to see that my little nephew, albeit with some hesitation, had communicated to my sister what was happening - including remarks on how this boy was on the naughty list and would not receive any presents from Santa, gotta love their innocence! This was remarkable to me, because it indicates first and foremost a strong relationship of trust and intimacy between mother and son. I know without a doubt that when there is no trust this sort of situation would've never been reported, mostly because...well it is scary. Bullying is scary, and kids will not talk about scary stuff unless they feel safe. So for me that is the most important thing a parent can do: have a strong safe connection with your child so that he/she will communicate this fears to you because he/she knows that you are safe. Second, I remember my sister telling me that this conversation started because she noticed that he was a bit scared upon entering the classroom. I hear about the morning rush, getting ready to get kids to school, among all of the other errands we mothers face along with the 1,000 things in our minds; yet she noticed. I have learned - albeit slowly - that pressing the pause button can have wonderful effects on mothering...and our sanity! The more I thought about it the more I realized that a good mom not only knows their children but also takes the time to notice. In this case my sister knew him, so she was able to tell how he looks and behaves when he is scared and had paused long enough to notice it. These two things speak loudly on her relationship with my nephew...and something all of us should consider. I definitely want to be able to know Alex enough to tell when he's scared and not so rushed that I wouldn't notice a moment of hesitation upon entering the classroom, but most importantly I want him to know and feel that mommy is safe, and while I might not be able to fix everything (although I want to!) mommy can be with him in that precise moment when things are scary.

The second part are some other tips that clearly only work if you have a strong relationship with the child, and are aware of the situation - that's why I said my sister had already done the hardest part of the job! Little children need to feel safe when they're with you, but also when they're alone and you're not there. They need to feel empowered. My nephew has a thing for sharks - don't ask me why- so I suggested to my sister for her to makeup a story in which the shark comes victorious after a quarrel with the big big whale. Young kids usually do not understand if you explain matter of fact what is happening, they learn through play. So, in his language makeup a story in which he/she can identify herself and come out feeling stronger and empowered. This is not to say that feeling scared should be banned those feelings needs to be validated...I cannot stress this enough...being scared is normal and it needs to be acknowledged. In other words, the big shark despite being powerful and strong was scared but managed to defeat the whale. Then come with a little phrase that you can repeat right before he/she gets out of the car, in this case it was strong as a shark! And there he went ready to face the day feeling more empowered and walking taller. I also suggested if possible to empower him by asking me to say strong as a shark with body postures that signify confidence such as stretching out his arms, jumping, and so forth. When we feel scared or threatened our body will send that message, we will usually makes ourselves look smaller. So I told her to help him look bigger, taller so that he in his little 4 year old body feels confident and secure in his ability to conquer that day and be an example to his friends - who were also being bullied by the same boy. Things have gone a lot better, so much better that now my nephew has decided to invite the bully boy to his birthday party! (Talk about forgiveness! But that's a topic for another day) There are many ways to deal with this, and I certainly found many books aimed at young kids to talk about this and empower them. However, I stand for what I first wrote, none of these things matter if we do not know our children, if we do not strive to press the pause button once in a while, and most importantly if mommy is not safe.