Motherhood

Well here I am writing after over a year of not writing at all....Again blogging is not my forte, and at this point I don't think it will ever be. I wanted to share some thoughts though, it has always been healing for me to write and for some reason sometimes it feels that the thoughts need to be shared and this is one of those occasions. Yesterday was probably one of the most stressful days as a mother since Alex was a newborn. Everyone who knows Alex has seen that he is such a good baby, very easy going, eats like a champ, and sleeps very well. Yesterday he decided he didn't want to do the bare minimum things that keep him alive: eat and sleep. The morning was wonderful, he woke up with the biggest smile on his face and ate his meals and slept his naps as usual. By early afternoon, he decided he didn't want to eat much this had happened in the past so I wasn't worried so I tried to soothe him for his nap. It took me a bit longer than usual but he finally fell asleep...I felt satisfied. Well 10 minutes after I had placed him on his crib he woke up, absolutely refusing to go back to sleep. This was really frustrating because I know that his night sleep really depends on how well he sleeps in the morning. I tried not to worry and said that he would take a nap after his next meal to make up for this one. Notice that at this point he is a bit cranky because he didn't get his usual nap. The next meal came along and he ate just fine from one breast, but then ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to eat from the other one. I tried soothing him, changing positions, waiting you name it. He got so incredibly worked up that he caused himself to throw up everything he had eaten up until that point all over me, the carpet, himself, and the recliner...great! At this point, I was beyond frustrated...I was crying! He was so upset that even though I offered the breast again he didn't eat even though he was obviously hungry. I placed him on his crib while he tried to eat his hands and headed to my room to take some time. I took some deep breaths and finally decided to surrender to prayer as I was feeling really upset. I came to back to get him and clean up the mess, as usual Alex received me with the biggest smile. It hit me then that he didn't need for things to go perfect or for me to be perfect, he only needed me...imperfect me. That smile let me know that he was perfectly happy, I held him in my arms for a good 10 minutes while he just looked deeply into my eyes. Words cannot describe the love, and the instruction I received from him. I struggle big time with perfectionism, but at that time I understood that it couldn't be perfect, and that imperfection had never tasted so sweet. Motherhood is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is the most rewarding feeling in the world. It is at times like these that I gain perspective and I happily surrender my imperfections and decide to be imperfectly happy. Motherhood is completely unexpected as you have this little one you cannot control, Alex is his very own person, and this tiny person has showed me more in almost 3 months than I have learned in 24 years. I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother, it is truly wonderful. Is it hard? Absolutely! Is it worth it? There is absolutely no question about it...As I finish writing this post I realize in the baby monitor that Alex just woke up from his nap, I close knowing that he will receive me with the biggest smile...that smile that tells me everything I need to know.