Time goes on and on

Time is going by so incredibly fast! Tomorrow Alex will be 9 months old. That is sort of insane. I realized with a bit of a bittersweet feeling that in 3 months I will have a toddler and not a baby - although he will always be a baby to me. He started standing up holding onto furniture 2 weeks after he started crawling, and now he's trying to cruise. Again insane. Not only that, this month Brian and I will be married for 3 and a half years, and it will be over five years since I met him. Again super insane! Yes time seems to slip between my fingers and there is nothing I can do to make it slow down. Or at least that's what it feels like, except when I look at pictures. For a brief minute that moment, those seconds were frozen in that particular picture and I can relive that moment. Often this brings bittersweet feelings. For example, I have bittersweet feelings whenever I see a picture of Alex as a newborn. I'm grateful I'm not feeding him 8-10 times a day but I also miss that tiny body.

I have similar feelings whenever I see a picture of our early dating days with Brian. That excitement of first holding hands and so many firsts, but I'm so glad that now I can happily say that he will also be my last and that is a very comforting feeling.

Yes many things come and go indeed. So today I'm grateful for the technology we currently have to capture those moments. Brian will be amazed on that statement because I'm usually bashing technology in arguing how unreliable it is haha. But in this particular case I'm grateful because I have the ability to freeze a piece of joy and happiness onto something I can keep and then experience again. Things that in time I would more than likely forget.

Live again

I was talking to my mom yesterday, and I don't quite remember what the topic was about or how we got to talking about my major and then my master's experience. She had said this before but I know I didn't quite understand it until she said again yesterday: Me siento realizada en todo lo que has hecho como mujer y ahora mama, es como si yo lo estuviera haciendo. Briefly translated she said that she feels a sense of accomplishment for everything I have done as a woman and now a mother, it feels as if I were doing those things myself. I want to highlight that last part. Before I became a mom, I understood that she felt proud of me. But that was a gross misunderstanding of her actual meaning. I cannot describe it with one word alone so I'll paint a picture. When Alex was a newborn I would faithfully place him on his tummy everyday, hoping that one day I would see his head turn the other way as a precursor to rolling over. One day he slowly lifted his head up and turned it to the other side. I got it all on camera and was shouting of excitement. The interesting thing was that I found myself making those same motions with my own head. To encourage him I was laying on the blanket with him, seeing him eye to eye and I could feel every muscle in my body imitating what he was doing and feeling the exhilaration when his own little body figured out how to do it. The same thing happened when he rolled over for the first time, when he crawled, and now as he is pulling himself up. To say that I'm proud of him is an understatement, as I feel as though I was living that very moment again. Now, of course I can't remember the first time I crawled or rolled over, but that's how it feels, as if I were doing it too for the very first time. So in a very real sense Alex is helping me live things all over again. Right now I'm experiencing the beauty of seeing things through an almost nine month old's eyes. It's refreshing, it's wonderful. I get excited about the very little things like seeing his smiling face as I give him his favorite book, or his look of surprise when he has managed to beat me to the other side of the room in a "crawling" contest, or his big grin when he finds me hiding behind the couch playing hide-and-seek. I now understand what my mom meant, and how refreshing it must've been for her to see her get my diploma as if it was her standing on that stage. I can only be grateful for the opportunity that I have to somehow live again, and experience things more fully because now I have a little baby that is learning how to walk...and in so many ways so am I.