Sigh...Life

So most of the time we sigh when something goes wrong, we feel frustrated, etc. You get the idea whenever there is something negative. This particular sigh is positive. I sigh whenever I see little Alex crawling all over the house, and trying to walk - yes he's trying to let go of the couch while cruising! I sigh whenever Brian looks straight into my eyes and tells me he loves me. I find myself "sighing" a lot lately. Life is full, life is good. So here's the little update or recollection of many sighs. 

1) I love playtime - although it is exhausting! He continues to amaze me with his curiosity and the new things he can do with that tiny body.

 

I mean just look at that face! And yes that is an old destroyed Ensign

2) I absolutely adore my boys, they're really my entire world...and they look oh so cute together!

3) We love chocolate pudding and water! Alex loves his pudding and likes making a mess with it - yep I'm still working on my OCD hehe

4) Happy Thanksgiving! We spent a fun Thanksgiving with my in-laws and we were just fascinated looking at Alex play. He got a big boy chair which he loved! He would look out the window several times a day and enjoyed going to eat with all of us...oh the joys of good food!

Yes, I have sighs for a lifetime.

And your bird can sing

Odd title. Well some of you might know that it is the title for a Beatles song (only the best musical group in history hehe) from their Revolver album. I had a million thoughts just because this song came up on my way home yesterday after doing a marital session. Here are the lyrics:

You tell me that you've got everything you want

 And your bird can sing

 But you don't get me, you don't get me 

You say you've seen seven wonders 

and your bird is green

 But you can't see me, you can't see me 

When your prized possessions start to weigh you down

 Look in my direction, I'll be round, I'll be round 

When your bird is broken will it bring you down 

You may be awoken, I'll be round, I'll be round 

You tell me that you've heard every sound there is 

And your bird can swing 

But you can't hear me, you can't hear me

It seems to me that this 2 minute song just described almost any couple I have seen in therapy. Every single one of them can say at some point or another: you don't get me, you can't see me, you can't hear me. I love how they used the "bird" as anything in the relationship that gets in the way and takes priority. We all have our birds at some point or another and we need to remind ourselves that our loved ones are waiting for us to get them, see them and hear them. There is a lot of room for interpretation in this song, but at least for me this is what it reminded me of: not putting your significant other as a priority. I don't think there is anything worse - or maybe one of the worst feelings - than feeling that the person you love doesn't get you, feels like you're not there, and conversations are like speaking to a wall. I would be rich if they gave me money each time one spouse tells me or the other "you're not listening to me!"  I thought a lot about this song and why it is that in those relationships both people feel like they don't exist for their partner. Where are we placing our value? or are we simply not showing love in a way that is received? I thought about this second one. Each one of us understands and perceived love differently. For me, I believe people receive and feel deep attachment in very personalized ways. I can only speak for myself but one sure way of helping me feel loved is brushing my hair. This was clearly evident when I watched the Letters to Juliet movie and there is a particular scene in which this old, motherly kind lady brushes this other younger woman's hair and says: there are fewer joys in life than having one's hair brushed. I started crying and kept rewinding the scene. This particular act of brushing my hair goes back to experiences when I was little with both my mom and dad. I learned to cherish those moments and felt love when either one of them would brush my hair. Brian knows this well and when I've had a particular hard day he puts everything aside - including his own tiredness - and takes some time before we go to bed to brush my hair. During those times I feel that Brian gets me, sees me and hears me....I feel loved. I wondered what would happen if my couples would put aside their own types of "birds" and tried to figure out or actually do what their partner consider as deep attachment. So I guess this post is more of encouragement for anyone who has a significant other to take the time and find that "brushing hair moment" for their loved one and put aside their "bird" whatever that may be.

That is enough!

Alex's ninth month was not what I was expecting. Granted he was sick but somehow it turned out to be one very painful moment for me. Up until that point every time we would go for his appointments our pediatrician would tell us how big he was, over the top big, healthy and adorable! Now this is what every mother wants to hear when you take your baby to the doctor, and besides the fact that he had a cold there was nothing different this time so I was fully expecting the same assessment. Well he said that yes he was healthy, adorable, over the top long but then he also said he had dropped some percentages in weight - he didn't lose weight but he hadn't gained weight as much as times past. I remember feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach, as he turned to me and asked me if he had been sick for a while. Well no, in fact he had just gotten sick that morning. He went on to say that some kids drop some weight percentiles around this time because of introduction to solids, and in this case Alex burning plenty of calories as he had been crawling for over a month. He also mentioned that it was probably because he is SO long, in fact he told us he was in the 95th percentile for length. Well needless to say that I didn't hear any of that, I was obsessed with the fact that his weight wasn't where it needed to be. All of the other nice things he said during the course of the appointment were quickly dismissed as my "worrier" personality took over and I wanted to cry right there in the middle of the office. It didn't matter that he had said it was nothing to worry about, I was worried. It didn't matter that he had said he was healthy - not anemic- no to me he had gone down on weight percentiles and that was all that mattered. It was as if I had given a huge microphone to that side of me that constantly tells me that this is too hard, and with every thought I kept turning up the volume. I couldn't understand why I was so upset with myself. Yes I felt guilty because somehow this was a reflection on my mothering, was I not feeding him enough? I remember calling my mom right after the appointment and just crying telling her that I felt I had done things right and I didn't understand why now all of a sudden I needed to supplement with a bit of formula. My mom listened and then with a bit of a chuckle she said: Denhi, what you really want is for the doctor to tell you that he has never seen a healthier boy, that he is over the top in every percentage, and you want to hear that every time you go! Let me tell you that that is not going to happen, adjust your expectations of yourself and you'll be happier, Alex is healthy and you have done your best, and that is enough! My mom has never been one to beat around the bush. You know how sometimes the truth is hard to take and you end up getting upset? Well I wasn't upset one bit, and I knew that she was absolutely right. What she said pierced me, and I knew I wanted to hear that, and yes every time! Was that too much to ask? I struggled with this for two weeks, until this week. For whatever reason I gained acceptance. I decided to turn off that microphone. It was so loud I couldn't hear all of the other wonderful things around me. I still struggle with the idea that my best is enough, furthermore, that my best is enough for Alex...but I'm working on it. I remember my mom, and her words...and now I chuckle. I repeat to myself: Denhi you have done your best and - thinking of her tone of voice - THAT IS ENOUGH!