Priorities: The touch of a tiny hand

I have been thinking about this post for a very long time as this event happened about a month ago. It happened during one of Alex's first feedings, I can't quite remember if it was his first or second but definitely an early one. Things usually run smoothly and he will eat and then go to sleep. Once in a while things are different. This time he decided to stop in the middle of his feeding to simply look around. For some reason this was beyond frustrating for me. I immediately started thinking "great! now it will take him longer to eat which means he will nap later which means..." and there I went spiraling down my day and how it was going to absolutely mess up his entire schedule and mine, all of my list of priorities felt like they were going down the drain. I think we've all been there, one event seems to determine everything and we find ourselves thinking of all of the negative things that will for sure happen for the rest of the day. I was thinking of all these sequences of negative events when my thoughts were completely interrupted by a feeling of softness on my right arm. I looked down as I had been looking up as if pleading for some mercy from above, and I saw my sweet little boy completely focused running his fingers up and down my arm. I was completely overwhelmed by his tenderness and how with a simple touch from those tiny fingers he had managed to stop my never-ending sequence of negative events. There was a silent voice inside my head that whispered "this is your priority right now, enjoy the moment." I quickly forgot about all the things that I previously thought of as priorities for that day and found myself relaxed just being pampered by my little one. This event alone helped me change my view of priorities, and how fluid they truly are. Sometimes I'm the absolute worst at enjoying little moments like this because I'm the kind of person that's always thinking about what's coming next, my "priorities." I have come to understand that a priority can be a moment, just like the one I experienced, and that it's more than ok to let go of the priorities we had figured out for that day. I learned many things from this experience I learned more about patience, kindness, tenderness, and love, among others. However, I will say that I learned the most about how a priority can become a moment, and that it is truly up to us to just sit back and enjoy it. Alex hasn't done that since that one day, and let me tell you that I miss the feeling I experienced while I felt the touch of his tiny fingers, nevertheless, I'm grateful that I listened to that small voice and that I made that moment a priority, enjoyed it and allowed it to fill me. I go back to that moment whenever I feel overwhelmed or simply need to feel better. That moment that I first dreaded has become a bit of a treasure to me. I find that I have many of those such moments, I try to stop, interrupt my thoughts and remember "this is your priority right now, enjoy the moment."

Post-pregnancy body: a vulnerable post

First of all I want to present the disclaimer that although most of my posts are very personal in nature, this one is particularly so because it presents a vulnerable side of me, so bear with me:) I was talking to Brian last night about different things, and in the middle of the conversation he said a couple of things that were quite the shock for me. As we were talking on how I felt about myself, Brian told me that perhaps I was struggling with some confidence specially because of the comments you make about your body such as "my body will never look the same," or "I don't like this or that," "it used to look like this" among many other statements. That comment hit me like a ton of bricks because the truth is, first I hadn't even realized that I made such comments, and second I knew he was right. It is at time like those that I feel SO grateful for a husband who loves me enough to tell me the painful truth, because to be honest I'm so incredibly stubborn that most of the time the painful truth is the only thing that will help me change, and he knows it. He said it very calmly and with so much tenderness that I couldn't help but remain silent as I felt the weight of his words. I wouldn't say never, but I can definitely say that it had been a while since I felt that I had struggled with confidence issues. Not to be arrogant but I find myself a fairly confident person. Like any woman there were always things I didn't particularly love about my body but I felt very content and satisfied before I got pregnant. Once I found out I was expecting Alex I decided that I was going to have a fit pregnancy, I wanted to stay healthy. I believe I managed to do so as I was working out 4-5 days a week doing Pilates and yoga. I didn't know then that even when you maintain a fit pregnancy the first time you look in the mirror after your little one is born is going to be a painful experience, and it was. I remember that day clearly, the nurse asked me to get up because I needed to start moving around to make my healing from the c-section faster. I headed to the restroom and there a got the first glimpse of my post-pregnancy body. SHOCK is what best describes how I felt. My slim and toned body was gone, I had seriously wondered if I would ever look the same. I started losing some of that extra weight and mostly water retention within the first weeks, but it was still hard when I came home and still needed to wear my maternity pants because none of my old ones fit. As soon as I got the ok from my doctor I started exercising once more, not only for my body but for my sanity as well as a new mother. Now, five months after Alex was born I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight but still struggling. Why? Well the painful truth is, yes my body has changed, I know it because it doesn't feel the same, how can it? It managed to expand to fit an almost 8lb baby! And now it continues to change to give him the best nutrition as I continue to nurse him. Yes my body has changed, and it's nothing short of a miracle of the things it can do. My body has given life, and continues to do so while producing a kind of milk that not even the most capable of engineers can reproduce. Yes, my body has changed as it now bears the marks of a girl who became a mother and was willing to transform her body to do so. Yes, my body has changed as it now feels more powerful and resilient after being able to create and nourish life for almost 10 months. Yes, my body has changed I'm not a supermodel but I'm a woman, a wife, and a mother. I will continue to stay fit, stay healthy, but will never allow myself to lose the confidence I once had because I feel that my body will never be the same...because it won't. Yes, my body has changed and I'm proud of it!

Alex growing up so fast!

A quick view of Alex and how fast he's growing...yes, I'll take credit for that haha! We love you little one!

Doing your best vs. Perfection

Ok,I know plenty of my posts have to do with perfectionism and my struggle with it. I can't help it, I have an internal need to do things perfect, have a perfect day etc. I'll admit I used to be way more of a perfectionist before I had Alex, but every once in a while it creeps back and I find myself feeling frustrated at not being able to do it all. I receive so many emails about the things you should be doing with your baby each day for him to develop his mental, physical, and emotional milestones. Needless to say that list it's exhausting they advice to: read to him, play with him, floor time, take him for a stroller, massage time, talk to him, teach a bit of sign language, tummy time and the list goes on and on...that on top of the basic feeding and napping routines. I'm not going to deny I've tried to do it all...plus try to take of myself with my 3 basics exercise, reading, and currently learning more Italian. I wasn't able to do all of these things in one day and was finding myself frustrated. As a mom you always have the feeling that you're not doing enough, and it was even harder when I was trying to fit in some pampering time for myself. I started having a very negative feeling towards my to-do list, so I decided to not have one. I cannot describe enough the sense of relief. I started realizing that when I was doing my best versus trying to do perfect, I enjoyed little Alex so much more, and even my exercise routine became more pleasant because it wasn't something I needed to scratch off a list. I'm currently reading a book called "Mothers of Faith" and one story in particular touched me deeply and led me to make many changes in the way I approach motherhood, and my life as a woman. The book is filled with stories that certainly motivate you as they usually talk about these moms that certainly did it all! But there was one story in which the author started with the simple line "the greatest gift my mother gave me was her own acceptance of her inadequacies and her flaws." He goes on to explain how his mother dealt with her sometimes short temper, lack of cooking abilities etc. He says that he learned more from what his mother struggled than what she was good at because his mother was real to him, she wasn't perfect, she didn't need to be...she was just mom and all he needed was for her to do her best...and she certainly was. I took this story to heart, not only as a mother but as a woman because I'm certainly trying my best to take care of myself but I have to accept that it is ok if I can't do everything I wanted to do today, there is always tomorrow. I have the deep satisfaction of knowing that I find it enough to be trying my best, that I'm trying to be real for my son and for myself, because after all perfection is an illusion...no such thing, but oh so tempting! The temptation seems to fade when I get rid of my list and focus on what I can do, in trying to be real, in enjoying my weaknesses and inadequacies but also remembering to celebrate my end of the day accomplishments...and sometimes that can all be summed up in seeing my little one asleep through the monitor while holding my dear husband's hand while I find myself falling asleep.