Sigh...Life

So most of the time we sigh when something goes wrong, we feel frustrated, etc. You get the idea whenever there is something negative. This particular sigh is positive. I sigh whenever I see little Alex crawling all over the house, and trying to walk - yes he's trying to let go of the couch while cruising! I sigh whenever Brian looks straight into my eyes and tells me he loves me. I find myself "sighing" a lot lately. Life is full, life is good. So here's the little update or recollection of many sighs. 

1) I love playtime - although it is exhausting! He continues to amaze me with his curiosity and the new things he can do with that tiny body.

 

I mean just look at that face! And yes that is an old destroyed Ensign

2) I absolutely adore my boys, they're really my entire world...and they look oh so cute together!

3) We love chocolate pudding and water! Alex loves his pudding and likes making a mess with it - yep I'm still working on my OCD hehe

4) Happy Thanksgiving! We spent a fun Thanksgiving with my in-laws and we were just fascinated looking at Alex play. He got a big boy chair which he loved! He would look out the window several times a day and enjoyed going to eat with all of us...oh the joys of good food!

Yes, I have sighs for a lifetime.

And your bird can sing

Odd title. Well some of you might know that it is the title for a Beatles song (only the best musical group in history hehe) from their Revolver album. I had a million thoughts just because this song came up on my way home yesterday after doing a marital session. Here are the lyrics:

You tell me that you've got everything you want

 And your bird can sing

 But you don't get me, you don't get me 

You say you've seen seven wonders 

and your bird is green

 But you can't see me, you can't see me 

When your prized possessions start to weigh you down

 Look in my direction, I'll be round, I'll be round 

When your bird is broken will it bring you down 

You may be awoken, I'll be round, I'll be round 

You tell me that you've heard every sound there is 

And your bird can swing 

But you can't hear me, you can't hear me

It seems to me that this 2 minute song just described almost any couple I have seen in therapy. Every single one of them can say at some point or another: you don't get me, you can't see me, you can't hear me. I love how they used the "bird" as anything in the relationship that gets in the way and takes priority. We all have our birds at some point or another and we need to remind ourselves that our loved ones are waiting for us to get them, see them and hear them. There is a lot of room for interpretation in this song, but at least for me this is what it reminded me of: not putting your significant other as a priority. I don't think there is anything worse - or maybe one of the worst feelings - than feeling that the person you love doesn't get you, feels like you're not there, and conversations are like speaking to a wall. I would be rich if they gave me money each time one spouse tells me or the other "you're not listening to me!"  I thought a lot about this song and why it is that in those relationships both people feel like they don't exist for their partner. Where are we placing our value? or are we simply not showing love in a way that is received? I thought about this second one. Each one of us understands and perceived love differently. For me, I believe people receive and feel deep attachment in very personalized ways. I can only speak for myself but one sure way of helping me feel loved is brushing my hair. This was clearly evident when I watched the Letters to Juliet movie and there is a particular scene in which this old, motherly kind lady brushes this other younger woman's hair and says: there are fewer joys in life than having one's hair brushed. I started crying and kept rewinding the scene. This particular act of brushing my hair goes back to experiences when I was little with both my mom and dad. I learned to cherish those moments and felt love when either one of them would brush my hair. Brian knows this well and when I've had a particular hard day he puts everything aside - including his own tiredness - and takes some time before we go to bed to brush my hair. During those times I feel that Brian gets me, sees me and hears me....I feel loved. I wondered what would happen if my couples would put aside their own types of "birds" and tried to figure out or actually do what their partner consider as deep attachment. So I guess this post is more of encouragement for anyone who has a significant other to take the time and find that "brushing hair moment" for their loved one and put aside their "bird" whatever that may be.

That is enough!

Alex's ninth month was not what I was expecting. Granted he was sick but somehow it turned out to be one very painful moment for me. Up until that point every time we would go for his appointments our pediatrician would tell us how big he was, over the top big, healthy and adorable! Now this is what every mother wants to hear when you take your baby to the doctor, and besides the fact that he had a cold there was nothing different this time so I was fully expecting the same assessment. Well he said that yes he was healthy, adorable, over the top long but then he also said he had dropped some percentages in weight - he didn't lose weight but he hadn't gained weight as much as times past. I remember feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach, as he turned to me and asked me if he had been sick for a while. Well no, in fact he had just gotten sick that morning. He went on to say that some kids drop some weight percentiles around this time because of introduction to solids, and in this case Alex burning plenty of calories as he had been crawling for over a month. He also mentioned that it was probably because he is SO long, in fact he told us he was in the 95th percentile for length. Well needless to say that I didn't hear any of that, I was obsessed with the fact that his weight wasn't where it needed to be. All of the other nice things he said during the course of the appointment were quickly dismissed as my "worrier" personality took over and I wanted to cry right there in the middle of the office. It didn't matter that he had said it was nothing to worry about, I was worried. It didn't matter that he had said he was healthy - not anemic- no to me he had gone down on weight percentiles and that was all that mattered. It was as if I had given a huge microphone to that side of me that constantly tells me that this is too hard, and with every thought I kept turning up the volume. I couldn't understand why I was so upset with myself. Yes I felt guilty because somehow this was a reflection on my mothering, was I not feeding him enough? I remember calling my mom right after the appointment and just crying telling her that I felt I had done things right and I didn't understand why now all of a sudden I needed to supplement with a bit of formula. My mom listened and then with a bit of a chuckle she said: Denhi, what you really want is for the doctor to tell you that he has never seen a healthier boy, that he is over the top in every percentage, and you want to hear that every time you go! Let me tell you that that is not going to happen, adjust your expectations of yourself and you'll be happier, Alex is healthy and you have done your best, and that is enough! My mom has never been one to beat around the bush. You know how sometimes the truth is hard to take and you end up getting upset? Well I wasn't upset one bit, and I knew that she was absolutely right. What she said pierced me, and I knew I wanted to hear that, and yes every time! Was that too much to ask? I struggled with this for two weeks, until this week. For whatever reason I gained acceptance. I decided to turn off that microphone. It was so loud I couldn't hear all of the other wonderful things around me. I still struggle with the idea that my best is enough, furthermore, that my best is enough for Alex...but I'm working on it. I remember my mom, and her words...and now I chuckle. I repeat to myself: Denhi you have done your best and - thinking of her tone of voice - THAT IS ENOUGH!

Time goes on and on

Time is going by so incredibly fast! Tomorrow Alex will be 9 months old. That is sort of insane. I realized with a bit of a bittersweet feeling that in 3 months I will have a toddler and not a baby - although he will always be a baby to me. He started standing up holding onto furniture 2 weeks after he started crawling, and now he's trying to cruise. Again insane. Not only that, this month Brian and I will be married for 3 and a half years, and it will be over five years since I met him. Again super insane! Yes time seems to slip between my fingers and there is nothing I can do to make it slow down. Or at least that's what it feels like, except when I look at pictures. For a brief minute that moment, those seconds were frozen in that particular picture and I can relive that moment. Often this brings bittersweet feelings. For example, I have bittersweet feelings whenever I see a picture of Alex as a newborn. I'm grateful I'm not feeding him 8-10 times a day but I also miss that tiny body.

I have similar feelings whenever I see a picture of our early dating days with Brian. That excitement of first holding hands and so many firsts, but I'm so glad that now I can happily say that he will also be my last and that is a very comforting feeling.

Yes many things come and go indeed. So today I'm grateful for the technology we currently have to capture those moments. Brian will be amazed on that statement because I'm usually bashing technology in arguing how unreliable it is haha. But in this particular case I'm grateful because I have the ability to freeze a piece of joy and happiness onto something I can keep and then experience again. Things that in time I would more than likely forget.

Live again

I was talking to my mom yesterday, and I don't quite remember what the topic was about or how we got to talking about my major and then my master's experience. She had said this before but I know I didn't quite understand it until she said again yesterday: Me siento realizada en todo lo que has hecho como mujer y ahora mama, es como si yo lo estuviera haciendo. Briefly translated she said that she feels a sense of accomplishment for everything I have done as a woman and now a mother, it feels as if I were doing those things myself. I want to highlight that last part. Before I became a mom, I understood that she felt proud of me. But that was a gross misunderstanding of her actual meaning. I cannot describe it with one word alone so I'll paint a picture. When Alex was a newborn I would faithfully place him on his tummy everyday, hoping that one day I would see his head turn the other way as a precursor to rolling over. One day he slowly lifted his head up and turned it to the other side. I got it all on camera and was shouting of excitement. The interesting thing was that I found myself making those same motions with my own head. To encourage him I was laying on the blanket with him, seeing him eye to eye and I could feel every muscle in my body imitating what he was doing and feeling the exhilaration when his own little body figured out how to do it. The same thing happened when he rolled over for the first time, when he crawled, and now as he is pulling himself up. To say that I'm proud of him is an understatement, as I feel as though I was living that very moment again. Now, of course I can't remember the first time I crawled or rolled over, but that's how it feels, as if I were doing it too for the very first time. So in a very real sense Alex is helping me live things all over again. Right now I'm experiencing the beauty of seeing things through an almost nine month old's eyes. It's refreshing, it's wonderful. I get excited about the very little things like seeing his smiling face as I give him his favorite book, or his look of surprise when he has managed to beat me to the other side of the room in a "crawling" contest, or his big grin when he finds me hiding behind the couch playing hide-and-seek. I now understand what my mom meant, and how refreshing it must've been for her to see her get my diploma as if it was her standing on that stage. I can only be grateful for the opportunity that I have to somehow live again, and experience things more fully because now I have a little baby that is learning how to walk...and in so many ways so am I.

Therapist Mom

Well today I read a blog post by a therapist friend of mine called Lexie - so Lexie yes if you're reading this your post propelled me to think about this post and spiraled all these thoughts - talking about how we're all therapists and for the most part, most of her blog entries are about things she learns as a therapist. After reading her last post I panicked. I'm only seeing clients on Saturday and they're what you would consider your easy clients, not because they don't have real problems, but because they're willing to work and they don't trigger my own personal issues. I felt literally stuck in my own feelings as a therapist. I started thinking and wondering whether I was being stretched like I was during my training. I seriously started wondering if I was growing as a therapist, and if it was fair for my clients to be with a therapist who didn't feel all that challenged as of late. Again I panicked. This was somewhat funny, because I thought it was ironic that I felt better when I had clients that were driving me completely nuts as I felt I had to push myself to serve them better, than now that I had easier clients. I panicked because I couldn't remember when was the last time I had felt inadequate as a therapist, and I didn't like this feeling, not one bit. As I found myself panicking over my career and lack of growth that I was feeling I noticed that Alex seemed unstable hanging onto one of his toys trying to stand - he's crawling and trying to stand now - then his hand slipped and down he went but not without hitting his face on the toy. Mother fail. He started crying and I picked him up trying to comfort him. I felt so bad I had been right there next to him the entire time, and while I knew bumps were inevitable part of this new independence of his I couldn't help feeling inadequate as a mom. Inadequate. Wait did I just say inadequate? Alex stopped crying within seconds, and he was fine, and I found myself chuckling because I realized that feeling inadequate as a mom was helping me become a better therapist and that I didn't need to be in the therapy room 20hrs a week to learn more. You see, being a therapist is all about allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to be human, to be imperfect with your clients. And I quote directly from my friend's blog "What is wrong with me making mistakes as a therapist?!? What is wrong with me being imperfect and weak and growing in understanding? Why can't I treat my own humanness with compassion, dignity and ... humor? Why can't I take myself a little less seriously? Mistakes, feelings and humanity are not the enemy. The enemy... the "disease" is the idea that my weakness makes me wrong, unacceptable, ineffective, unable to contribute and have something to give in a relationship with others." All of a sudden my feelings of panic left me, and I realized that embracing my own humanness makes me not only a better therapist but also a better mom. I understood that being a mom has been the most vulnerable experience of my life, and that if anything I have learned to be more comfortable with feeling vulnerable than I was before. Inadequacy had never felt so sweet, I'm learning how to be a better therapist by learning how to be a better mom. And while learning how to be a good mom has definitely been more emotionally challenging than learning how to be a good therapist, I'm grateful that two passions in my life are so deeply connected.

When Alex was just a newborn

My other (better) half

You know you're a lucky woman when your husband comes home after a tiring day of work, sees you just lying on the bed with your face buried on the pillow facing a huge headache and without being asked gives you a back massage. Yep I'm a lucky woman! Today I want to write about my other and better half: my sweet husband. I realized that when I was learning so much during our first and second years of marriage I was completely away from my blog, so I don't have many posts from the time we got married as most of the posts were written during our dating days - awww. Well, yes he is my better half for many reasons but here's just a few.

1) He was worthy of taking me to the temple to be sealed to him, and made me feel like a princess on our wedding day - and continues to do so today

2) When we get upset with each other he has never been afraid to say "I'm sorry" (and with that charming smile of his all is forgiven haha)

3) He always makes a big deal and celebrates all of my small and big accomplishments (small like the first time I baked a pie and big during my Master's graduation dinner)

4) He is oh so romantic! A true gentleman!

5) He is a terrific dad! (This during Alex's blessing day)

6) He appreciates everything I do as a mother

7) And last but not least, he makes me LAUGH!

Thank you dearest, I love you!

OCD Remedy = Beets

Anyone that has been around me long enough knows that I have slight OCD tendencies. Now, for all my dear therapy friends out there I don't mean OCD in the correct professional term but more of the cultural understanding of what an OCD person looks like. That being said I have some minor problems with mess, and mostly mess that creates stains on clothes - I'm my mother's daughter! I can't help it! So if you're a mom you're probably thinking: being a mom means tolerance and acceptance of mess! And to you I say: Yes I know haha. So, with that knowledge I decided once Alex started eating solids and wanting to feed himself with a spoon, that I didn't want to restrict him from being a child because I don't like mess. I didn't want him to restrain himself from jumping on a puddle, or playing on the sand, and in this case exploring, learning and simply having fun because mommy has some cleaning issues. When the first so called mess came along every part of me wanted to grab the baby wipes and clean as he was eating to prevent further mess, but I restrained myself, and now that I think of it the mess really wasn't that bad. But my first true test came when I decided to make him a combination of carrots and beets. I love beets! And he has proved to have good taste like his mommy because he loves them! At first it was smooth, but then he put his hand in his mouth, he looked at his hand covered in this very bright color. This single act alone spiraled down to a series of events that tested my OCD for the very first time. Beets brought so much fascination to my little one that he decided to celebrate his new discovery by making a big big mess. He was unstoppable. So, fighting all of my CLEAN NOW urges I decided to help him. What?! Yes, I decided to have fun with him and let him do whatever he wanted to do with the beets. I took some pictures to celebrate our discovery - which do not do justice because you can't see that his pants were completely covered in beets (stain phobia gone!)

I know that as he grows he will make much bigger messes, but I'm glad that his first real mess was such a learning experience for me and that I was able to join him in the fun. So whenever I feel my OCD coming back I go back to the kitchen and make more beet puree.

Work Misunderstandings

The title for this post can be confusing so let me explain. Most people when they think of work or their job they think of something they put effort - in some cases- and then get something monetary in return. Ever since I had Alex I have been asked multiple times whether I'm back to work. Most people that know me know that I love what I do, I love being a therapist and have enjoyed working as such (most days haha); I do feel very blessed with having a career that I enjoy and have the skills to be able to do a decent job at it. That being said, it seems that most people think or believe I'm just dying to go and work part-time or believe that I'm already working since Alex is almost 8 months and always start their conversations with me by asking me whether I'm back to work. Conversations have been awkward to say the least they go something like this: - So, are you back to work yet? - Not really, only some hours on Saturday - Oh so what do you do during the week? - I stay with Alex at home - Oh Silence. End of conversation. AWKWARD. Sometimes the conversation even ends earlier when I tell them I haven't gone back to work part-time like I used to. When this happens I can't help but wonder WHEN DID BEING A MOTHER BECOME DOING NOTHING?! Seriously, it feels like a social expectation, almost obligation, for me to go back to work as soon as Alex is older because otherwise what do I do with my time? Again, this is not to offend any working mothers out there whether by decision or obligation, this is just about my experience as someone who has decided to stay home and work only occasionally. I believe our current culture has devalued motherhood to such a degree that is not even considered a sort of work. But goodness it is! Unpaid work! At least monetarily. So yes I believe most people have completely missed the point of what work entails and definitely the hard work it is to be a mother. Now, I know some people work because we're not just mothers we're women with needs. I have felt that some people believe I need to go back to work to fulfill those needs because otherwise motherhood is simply not enough. Wrong again. I can have those needs fulfilled on my own time and with my the complete understanding that I need time to take care of self but also being realistic that taking care of self no longer involves hours and hours for me alone because Alex takes most of that time. If this post seems unorganized, well it probably is, as I'm still trying to wrap my head around my experiences and how they have made me feel. It has definitely been uncomfortable to say the least, and I can't help but feel judged at times. I'm sure some mothers out there can resonate with this. I'm grateful for the opportunity that I have to be both a mother and a therapist, but I cannot regret my decision to be first and foremost a mother. Yes, sometimes I would much rather be doing therapy as I know that would be easier than facing some of the difficult situations with Alex - like all this past week Alex teething= very tired, stressed out momma!- but I stick with it because he only has one mom and that's me! I feel the heavy responsibility of those words and while I know that I could be helping many people outside the walls of my home the truth is I know there are other people who can and will do that, Alex only has one mom and one dad. I feel the heavy burden but also the honor of having such a spot. So let there be pride in saying we're mothers and not out of obligation but because we chose to.

Healing arms

The idea for this post came to my mind about two weeks ago I just hadn't had the time, or made the time I guess to write it. I suddenly woke up around 8:30am with Alex's screams coming from his room, still very much sleepy I looked at the monitor and could not see him...I panicked. I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to his room, I found him in the corner of his crib with one of his legs stuck between the crib rails and him fighting to get out. My heart went out to him hoping he hadn't been fighting for too long before I heard him. He didn't see me at first as he was trying hard to get out - I have one determined and persistent baby boy:) - but as soon as he saw me I simply saw both his arms stretched out to me...needless to say this melted my heart. I got his leg unstuck and finally held him in my arms...he was crying hard at first, but soon settled down and gave me a huge smile. I knew then that there was no safer place for him than my arms, a hug from me was healing to him. I have been thinking about hugs lately, in these and many other cases arms seem to have a genuine healing power. What is it about an embrace that can make everything right so quickly? I thought about a couple of things. First, an embrace is warm; you can literally feel the other person's warmth when you are hugging, physically and emotionally. Second, an embrace is letting the other person in, it is quite the vulnerable moment as you allow to open -literally- yourself to the other person, vulnerability is healing in an of itself. Third, the person being hugged is allowing herself/himself to be vulnerable and feels safe doing so; it has happened to me that when I feel safe when hugging I start crying more because I feel I can let go. And finally, a hug is a big message of love and care; I know no one who can say they don't like to feel loved, everyone does and a hug achieves that very effectively. So yes, here I was hugging Alex when I understood why he immediately reached out his arms when he saw me. It has become even clearer to me the power of my arms whenever Alex is close to me. Not only because he is comforted in my arms, but because I am comforted in his. I feel it all, his warmth, he lets me in, I feel vulnerable, and I feel his love. Yes arms have magic powers, arms communicate more than our words. Yes arms are healing. Thank you little one for reminding me of this.

A lighter update

Well most of my posts have been long, time consuming reflections on my never-ending list of things I continue to learn as a mother. I decided to take a break from that in this post and simply give an update. Things have been very good, crazy, but good. Yes, life is filled with challenges and laughter brought courtesy of little Alex. It seems that from the moment he turned 4 months or so time has decided to fly, and now today he turns 7 months! What the! How did that happen?! Didn't we just bring you home from the hospital? Anyway, a lot has changed for sure, he's way too independent - in his own cute way - and slowly I start seeing more of a soon-to-be toddler instead of a baby. Brian finally finished moving buildings at the end of last month, after a July full of work and plenty of stress - thank goodness he handled it pretty well! Last month I was able to go to Mexico for a week or so. It was GREAT! Gosh I had completely forgotten how much I miss my aunt's cooking, the culture, my friends, and the overall sense of feeling home. Don't get me wrong, my home is where Brian and Alex are, but for some reason being in my parent's place where I spent so many years and in my beautiful country, home has never felt so right a word to describe it. My mom and aunt made sure I was spoiled! It felt so nice to be pampered every day, and have someone you trust take care of Alex while you take your time to take a shower - all moms out there know what I mean! I was able to see my high-school friends, one word: SURREAL. It had been easy 5 or 6 years since I had last seen them, and it was so amazing to see that even though everything has changed, it felt as though I had been away for just a bit and our conversations were easy, and goodness so much fun! Last time I saw them we were teenagers, and now here we were having dinner just talking but now as adults laughing at our embarrassing high school moments. It was great! I was also able to see my grandma and it was the first time Alex met her (great grandma for him!). It was a special experience to see her face of happiness, and experience the joy she has in her posterity. As for me, I'm still working on self-care. Writing this blog is actually a way for me to relax and just let my thoughts flow. The good thing for me is that Alex is finally taking naps again and sometimes they last for 2 hours - Hallelujah! I thought this day would NEVER come haha So I have time to read, exercise, take my time to get ready, and once in a while write a post. It's nice for sure! I still have a lot to learn and I'm working in not feeling guilty when I spend time for myself, but I have realized - albeit slowly- that for me to be a good mom I need to take care of the woman that I am. Brian has helped me very much in slowly realizing this, so I'm grateful for his patience. Oh yes, Brian's birthday is this Saturday so I have some things planned, it should be fun! It's amazing that he's turning 29, not because he's old, but because I met him when he had just turned 24. Yes time goes by far too quickly, and I'm just glad that I have been able to spend so much time with him, and that now here we are five almost six years later with no regrets and simply looking forward. It's exciting and scary. But even so, I'm glad we have plenty of laughter as a healing balm. And here's why:

And yes, he placed the burp cloth on his head by himself! Have a great Thursday!

The hardest most wonderful job

I have been thinking long and hard about this post. Many friends have asked me how it feels to be a mother, without a moment hesitation I answer that it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do but also the most wonderful. I guess that is why I like the P&G Olympics commercial that states that sometimes the hardest job is the best job talking about mothers, and I completely agree. Some have followed up and asked me why it has been the hardest thing, I guess this post is an answer to them - and also a time for me to ponder about this. I guess I should start with a personal experience on the day Alex was born. I remember being in my room waiting for the nurses to bring Alex and just feeling exhausted. Between all the drugs they had given me for the c-section, going through surgery, and waking up before 5am to head to the hospital I was about delirious. I remember when the nurse finally brought him so I could start nursing him, I held that tiny precious baby in my arms and despite all the exhaustion I was experiencing I felt powerful, I felt strong, I felt empowered in a way I hadn't felt before. It was definitely a tender mercy from the Lord to allow me to feel that as I have looked back upon that feeling when I have been forced to my knees sobbing because I feel weak and unable to measure up to the task. In essence that is motherhood for me, a contradiction between feeling so powerful at times, but for the most part a job that constantly keeps you on your knees praying for the Lord to help you. I believe it is the hardest because motherhood implies sacrifice. Now, I thought I knew what sacrifice meant until I became a mother and realized how selfish I really was. As a mother I have sacrificed my energy, my sleep, my time, my career, and sometimes my sanity to take care of little Alex. It requires every ounce of my physical, emotional, and mental well-being to finish up a day. When he was younger it was quite the achievement when I had managed to take a shower and have lunch all on the same day! Motherhood is hard because sometimes even though I feel like I prepared like crazy - don't ask me how many books I've read- I just flat out don't know what to do to help my baby. In most of these cases you have to play detective in trying to figure it out, and sometimes despite your most diligent efforts you're still measuring short. Now, that is a hard reality to grasp and to accept, specially for someone who is trying so hard to be a good mom, but sometimes that is the way it is and you have learn to feel satisfied knowing that you're doing your best - I guess that is why I've said that motherhood is a state of perpetual worry. Motherhood is the hardest because I have never felt so overwhelmed with any responsibility placed upon my shoulders. I feel everyday how Alex completely and absolutely depends on me alone to simply survive. I alone feed him, make sure he naps, change his diaper multiple times a day, play with him, sing to him, read to him, comfort him who knows how many times during the day when he cries in a never-ending cycle during the day - I will admit Brian helps me TREMENDOUSLY when he gets home. I have found little Alex at his young 6 months watching me and trying to imitate what I do. I consider that a big responsibility for me to be a good example. And all of these things on top of I don't know how many hours of lost sleep and meals eaten in less 2 minutes. Being a mother is hard. But because - not despite- all of this motherhood is the most wonderful job. I know of no most fulfilling feeling than taking your baby with the pediatrician and seeing how much he has grown, watching your baby master rolling over, having your heart melt everytime he smiles at you, feeling a love and a tenderness that you didn't know it was possible to experience, knowing that when he looks at you he sees the source of comfort, knowing that there is no place like your arms, seeing how your baby loves your singing although you are no American Idol, seeing how he melts when you give him a massage, seeing yourself in your baby. All these things plus many more make motherhood wonderful and challenging, indeed the best job. As I finish writing this post I have Alex sitting by my side looking intently at my fingers typing away. There is no question I feel weak and powerful all at the same time, it makes sense as I truly have come to believe that one is always tallest when we are on our knees.

Priorities: The touch of a tiny hand

I have been thinking about this post for a very long time as this event happened about a month ago. It happened during one of Alex's first feedings, I can't quite remember if it was his first or second but definitely an early one. Things usually run smoothly and he will eat and then go to sleep. Once in a while things are different. This time he decided to stop in the middle of his feeding to simply look around. For some reason this was beyond frustrating for me. I immediately started thinking "great! now it will take him longer to eat which means he will nap later which means..." and there I went spiraling down my day and how it was going to absolutely mess up his entire schedule and mine, all of my list of priorities felt like they were going down the drain. I think we've all been there, one event seems to determine everything and we find ourselves thinking of all of the negative things that will for sure happen for the rest of the day. I was thinking of all these sequences of negative events when my thoughts were completely interrupted by a feeling of softness on my right arm. I looked down as I had been looking up as if pleading for some mercy from above, and I saw my sweet little boy completely focused running his fingers up and down my arm. I was completely overwhelmed by his tenderness and how with a simple touch from those tiny fingers he had managed to stop my never-ending sequence of negative events. There was a silent voice inside my head that whispered "this is your priority right now, enjoy the moment." I quickly forgot about all the things that I previously thought of as priorities for that day and found myself relaxed just being pampered by my little one. This event alone helped me change my view of priorities, and how fluid they truly are. Sometimes I'm the absolute worst at enjoying little moments like this because I'm the kind of person that's always thinking about what's coming next, my "priorities." I have come to understand that a priority can be a moment, just like the one I experienced, and that it's more than ok to let go of the priorities we had figured out for that day. I learned many things from this experience I learned more about patience, kindness, tenderness, and love, among others. However, I will say that I learned the most about how a priority can become a moment, and that it is truly up to us to just sit back and enjoy it. Alex hasn't done that since that one day, and let me tell you that I miss the feeling I experienced while I felt the touch of his tiny fingers, nevertheless, I'm grateful that I listened to that small voice and that I made that moment a priority, enjoyed it and allowed it to fill me. I go back to that moment whenever I feel overwhelmed or simply need to feel better. That moment that I first dreaded has become a bit of a treasure to me. I find that I have many of those such moments, I try to stop, interrupt my thoughts and remember "this is your priority right now, enjoy the moment."

Post-pregnancy body: a vulnerable post

First of all I want to present the disclaimer that although most of my posts are very personal in nature, this one is particularly so because it presents a vulnerable side of me, so bear with me:) I was talking to Brian last night about different things, and in the middle of the conversation he said a couple of things that were quite the shock for me. As we were talking on how I felt about myself, Brian told me that perhaps I was struggling with some confidence specially because of the comments you make about your body such as "my body will never look the same," or "I don't like this or that," "it used to look like this" among many other statements. That comment hit me like a ton of bricks because the truth is, first I hadn't even realized that I made such comments, and second I knew he was right. It is at time like those that I feel SO grateful for a husband who loves me enough to tell me the painful truth, because to be honest I'm so incredibly stubborn that most of the time the painful truth is the only thing that will help me change, and he knows it. He said it very calmly and with so much tenderness that I couldn't help but remain silent as I felt the weight of his words. I wouldn't say never, but I can definitely say that it had been a while since I felt that I had struggled with confidence issues. Not to be arrogant but I find myself a fairly confident person. Like any woman there were always things I didn't particularly love about my body but I felt very content and satisfied before I got pregnant. Once I found out I was expecting Alex I decided that I was going to have a fit pregnancy, I wanted to stay healthy. I believe I managed to do so as I was working out 4-5 days a week doing Pilates and yoga. I didn't know then that even when you maintain a fit pregnancy the first time you look in the mirror after your little one is born is going to be a painful experience, and it was. I remember that day clearly, the nurse asked me to get up because I needed to start moving around to make my healing from the c-section faster. I headed to the restroom and there a got the first glimpse of my post-pregnancy body. SHOCK is what best describes how I felt. My slim and toned body was gone, I had seriously wondered if I would ever look the same. I started losing some of that extra weight and mostly water retention within the first weeks, but it was still hard when I came home and still needed to wear my maternity pants because none of my old ones fit. As soon as I got the ok from my doctor I started exercising once more, not only for my body but for my sanity as well as a new mother. Now, five months after Alex was born I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight but still struggling. Why? Well the painful truth is, yes my body has changed, I know it because it doesn't feel the same, how can it? It managed to expand to fit an almost 8lb baby! And now it continues to change to give him the best nutrition as I continue to nurse him. Yes my body has changed, and it's nothing short of a miracle of the things it can do. My body has given life, and continues to do so while producing a kind of milk that not even the most capable of engineers can reproduce. Yes, my body has changed as it now bears the marks of a girl who became a mother and was willing to transform her body to do so. Yes, my body has changed as it now feels more powerful and resilient after being able to create and nourish life for almost 10 months. Yes, my body has changed I'm not a supermodel but I'm a woman, a wife, and a mother. I will continue to stay fit, stay healthy, but will never allow myself to lose the confidence I once had because I feel that my body will never be the same...because it won't. Yes, my body has changed and I'm proud of it!

Alex growing up so fast!

A quick view of Alex and how fast he's growing...yes, I'll take credit for that haha! We love you little one!