In remembrance

Life is good. Life is full. Life is busy (let's add a super in there haha). My little Matt will be turning 3 months right on Christmas day and I can hardly believe it, it's been weeks since he's been wearing 3-6 month old clothing, and while growing up does come with so many benefits (ehem sleep) I'm also mourning the fact that he will never be this little again. He's my rainbow baby, and I'm so incredibly grateful for him.

Today I remember my other boy, whom I never met, a year ago today he went back to Heavenly Father entirely too little but big enough in spirit that he clearly didn't need this earthly experience. A mother's heart never forgets, and while it's been an entire year, there is always a part of my heart that has a little missing piece, for that piece belongs to him, and him alone. When I'm not chasing Alex or nursing Matt, I find myself wondering where he is, how he looks like, and in what ways he has already influenced my life without me knowing it.

Today, I don't want to relive what it was like to lose him, but instead what it was like to have him even if it was for just a short period of time. We found out around Thanksgiving, so I remember gladly eating more that I should have because I could haha. I remember flying that weekend to Washington to meet my niece for the very first time, and be a part of her baby blessing.

I remember not feeling nauseous yay! Just feeling a bit tired and with more appetite than usual.I remember looking at my Christmas tree and telling Alex he would be a big brother - not that he had any idea what that meant haha. Today I re-read a poem a dear friend of mine sent me during October (it was Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month ) which gives me so much peace in knowing that one day I will meet him.

Daddy please don't look so sad,
Momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus,
And He sings me lullabies

Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you
And then changed his mind.

You see I'm a special child,
I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
A product of your love.

I'll always be there with you,
So watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star
And know that's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost
That mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it is me
Planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy,
That's just me giving your heart a hug.

So daddy don't look so sad
And momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies!

I don't believe in coincidences, and the fact that this all happened right around Christmas, as the joy and warmth of the season gave me the much needed strength I was craving a year ago.Today is no exception as I reflect upon the many blessings I have, including the bit of sadness I experience which is another proof that he was real. One day I will get to hug him and kiss him, maybe even sing to him, but for now I have plenty of arms to hug, faces to kiss, and bedtimes to sing.

Officially introducing...

Taking advantage that the baby is asleep and Alex is out with abuelito and abuelita, I'm taking the time to officially introduce...

Matthew Aaron Chaney

He was born September 25th, at 7:03pm on the dot - according to the nurses. And yes, he was born with THAT much hair, it's adorable and I love how silky smooth it is. As of today, he eats like a champ, and sleeps fairly well for a newborn haha.....rosy pink, and his eyes are a charcoal blue - we'll see if they stay that way.

His birth was really quite the ennobling and challenging experience. I have gained so much respect for the women that came before me and had no choice but to have a natural birth, and they did it willingly with no fear multiple times. Thank you for your legacy!

I decided I wanted a natural birth before I was even pregnant with Matt, after having a C-section I knew I wanted as little medical interventions as possible to achieve a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and with the right amount of preparation I was convinced I could do it. Well turns out that of course I can but the experience was much more challenging but also so much more empowering than I EVER imagined.

After two AWFUL doctor visits - my regular OB was not in the office - in which they basically told me that I was heading towards a repeat c-section and that I shouldn't pursue a vaginal birth because maybe my body wasn't able to do it (yes, the nurse flat out told me that maybe Matt hadn't been born at 41 weeks because maybe I had a problem with my hips). I left the office crying, and feeling angry and frustrated, yet, I had decided long ago to trust my body and my baby. I was barely 41 weeks and feeling frustrated but I needed to trust that the baby would come, especially because that same day they had done a stress test, and the baby was perfect and I was in perfect healthy condition as well.

Well let me tell you that the mind is a powerful thing, that very night I started having regular contractions and labor began after Brian and I went up and down the stairs of the Zion's bank building - desperate times call for desperate measures haha. I tried to sleep throughout the night as my Doula had told me to rest as much as I could, so I did. I didn't bother anyone as contractions were coming every 20 minutes or so, and were very much bearable. Once Brian's alarm clock went off I told him he wasn't going anywhere as I was in labor, his response was a simple "ok" I think he was in disbelief as it seemed we had waited an eternity for this moment to arrive. Contractions continued throughout the day and all the while I tried to rest and sleep, but I found that I couldn't as they were getting stronger. By nightime I had to focus and do my belly sounding "ahhhs" to get through them, by then I understood why my Doula had stressed so much to rest as I was heading towards my second night of no sleep and with more pressure to handle.

By 1am they were getting progressively harder, and I was starting to feel that my confidence was waning as I felt so exhausted. So at that time we decided to reach my Doula and ask her to come not because the pain was unbearable but because we needed emotional support. She got here around 2am and she gave us that energy boost we so desperately needed. By 7am I ate some pancakes, fruit and juice and we decided to walk on the river trail as I needed a change in scenery and walking could help speed things up. It was a chilly morning but the view and being with nature really helped me gain back some focus and motivation. I really enjoying that during each contraction I would just hug Brian and Megan would squeeze my hips to help with the pain. They were getting a bit more intense, but I so welcomed it as I wanted it to be done because I didn't know for how long my energy would last.

We came back and decided to get in the tub, the warm water felt amazing and really helped me relax and deal with the intensity much better. My mom brought me some scrambled eggs and cantaloupe, I didn't eat as much but enough to feel satisfied. I believe I labored for a couple of hours in the tub, and I definitely started feeling the contractions changing, they were closer together and much more intense...it took my entire focus to get through them and my "ahhs" were a lot longer and more pronounced. That is when I knew we needed to go to the hospital. So we grabbed our stuff and drove there - thank goodness it's only 5 minutes away. I got one contraction right as we were getting there, which caught me by surprise and a first little scream came out, I knew things were getting serious haha.

All the while I was hoping they wouldn't send me back and that I was dilated enough since I was feeling tired and I didn't know how much longer I could go on without collapsing. To my surprise and JOY when they checked me I was at a 7!!!! Goodness that was enough to give me energy, as I felt strong and super empowered! I almost wanted to cry I was so happy. I labored for another two hours and I was still at a 7, that's when my OB (Dr. Broberg, he's so awesome!) suggested breaking my waters. I'm not going to lie, that is the first time I felt scared, through it all I had been in the zone and had not allowed any fears to enter my mind...until then. I knew that it would definitely speed things along and by so doing making things way more intense. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it, and just break down. That is when Brian held my hand looked me right in the eye, and told me: you can do this, I know you can. And Megan backed him up telling that I was already doing it. I decided then to just go for it. Dr. Broberg broke my waters and within minutes I was experiencing what can only be described as crazy strong powerful contractions/waves that felt almost like coming out from my body. It was at that point when my "ahhhs" were no longer super effective and my mind went into almost animalistic mode and I started almost roaring to cope with it. Brian was laughing and good thing I didn't notice or I would have punched him haha but he said that he had never seen me like that and found it a bit humorous.

After some time, the nurse came in and said I was almost there and that she would move the cervix a bit and then I would be complete. That was THE hardest part, I started yelling that I couldn't do it anymore and that I was done. Megan kept telling me that I was already doing it, and almost done...I believe she told me I was in transition at that point. Soon after that I started pushing, not because I wanted to but because I needed to. The full strength came from within my body and I had no control over it, it was scary and AMAZING to experience just how well my body knew how to do it. I was beyond exhausted at this point, but I kept pushing and little by little I started seeing the full head of hair hahaha...I think I was in disbelief that my body was doing this. Brian kept telling me, he's almost here! He's almost here! The second hardest part was the famously called "ring of fire" it was intense, but I remember vividly that the nurse told me "in the next push you will be a mom for the second time" so I pushed with all of my might and heard the Dr. say "the head is out, now the shoulders" and then I heard the loudest cry ever! What a relief! There was my little boy, screaming at the top of his lungs, he was quickly placed on my chest and as I looked around I saw Brian and Megan with tears in his eyes, and Brian saying "I'm so proud of you, you were amazing!" I believe I was in too much shock to cry as I just simply couldn't stop looking at him in marvel and awe. The next few minutes are a bit of a haze as they started doing the "stomach massage" to make sure nothing stayed inside, and well it hurt like heck to the point that Brian told me I told the Doctor that I wanted to be left alone hahaha I do not remember saying that, but it sure sounds like me hehe....

Little Matt is waking up now, and I cannot help but be grateful to such an amazing husband who stood with me every step of the way, and was the first one to believe that I could do it; I'm so grateful for our Doula who helped us when we needed her the most and will be providing us with pictures of this amazing day!

I'm doing great, and cannot help but still stare in wonder at what my body can do if I but believe in it, it still feels like a dream, but once in a while it hits me that I really did do it and I feel like the most powerful woman in the world, kinda like what Brian said: You did this, you've done it, you can do anything!

Oh the waiting game

I know I know...it has been forever! I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and this baby might come at any minute so it will be even longer before I post again, soooo I decided to write today to give a quick update because I don't know when I'll be able to write again haha....

Life has honestly been great, since my last post when I was in the lovely second trimester, not a huge lot has changed. This pregnancy has been good, of course with its few annoying symptoms here and there - hello extreme congestion! - but overall I have felt with energy and healthy. Honestly I owe it to the fact that Brian and I - more me really - decided to go all natural with this birth and for the past nine months have been prepping to have an unmedicated birth. I know, before you think I'm crazy, yes I have thought about it and yes I know there is such thing called an epidural, and no I don't want it.

It was an easy decision really, with little Alex I had a c-section due to his super awkward breech position (the stinker!) and I knew that this time, granted if everything continues to go well, that I didn't want any interventions that could potentially lead to another one. It has been an spiritual journey to say the least, I have been eating healthier than any other time in my life, exercising everyday (never thought I would say this but Yoga is like my best friend now), and being diligent with my Hypnobabies homework (you should check it out if you want a natural birth!). We hired a Doula, who is awesome by the way, and is fully supportive of my birth plan. I feel great, ecstatic, excited, and terrified all at the same time - more excited than anything really!

Our summer was great, but to be honest I'm glad it's getting to an end as being in your third trimester with a 95 degree weather was not pleasant - more like absolute misery! But anyway the AC and drinking about 95oz of water a day (that is not an exaggeration) helped me survive. Here are some pics to sum it up!

The zoo was a big highlight because he got to see a room filled with butterflies, he was in heaven! I love this picture because he has this face of pure wonder! Oh to be two again!

Nothing better than a steak at Ruth's Chris, if only they had cooked our steaks right haha it has become more of a family joke after the huge disappointment that it was to wait for the steak to be cooked properly a second time - and they still didn't get it right!

Alex LOVED the pool, as long as he had his ball and his cuac cuac - meaning ducks - he was just fine! And yes that was back in July, I'm bigger now haha

It was truly a great Summer, and one that I fully enjoyed this being the last with the three of us! It's weird to think about it but soon our little family of three will be adding another boy! I have tried to enjoy my little boy as much as possible as I know my attention will be split with the demands of a newborn. I have found myself crying a bit over it haha just thinking that soon he'll be three and that the time it was just the two of us has come to an end. But I'm also excited to see him as a big brother, to continue to master many new skills, and to slowly become more of a kid than a toddler. My heart is full and happy for having so many blessings, with all three of my wonderful wonderful boys!

Let the testosterone continue!

So after many weeks of anticipation, guessing, and wondering we're proud to say that Alex will be joined by a little brother! Yep, it's a boy! And let me say I'm no ultrasound expert but this baby boy of ours had no shame in letting us know he is very much a boy, I said: yeah it's a boy! Before the ultrasound technician said anything, it was THAT obvious! We're very excited to have another wonderful boy running around and stealing our hearts.

So it seems that I'm destined to be around boys for a long time, and you know, it feels just fine! I absolutely adore my boys, and will gladly take what the Lord sends to our little family with a very grateful heart!

Right now, I'm beyond exhausted! We took Alex to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point and well I had forgotten how much of a walk it is. I pushed through it and thought how much exercise I was getting haha...I need to incorporate more of that as it has been mostly Yoga and Pilates for my workout routines. It still felt great to do the whole thing and not feel like I was going to die. Alex has a great time, he walked most of the way just touching the flowers and stopping once in a while to smell them - I know melts my heart! He drank more water than Brian and I combined and just had a great time with the new heat wave that started yesterday, which brings another proud moment.

For those of you who have lived in Utah for at least an entire year, you know that Spring is well...psychotic in here. One day you'll have snow and the next day it'll be 70 degrees and gorgeous. Well this past we've had that kind of sunshine that is SUPER deceiving, you go outside and it's actually cold. Well as of yesterday it has been HOT, I'm usually super prepared with Alex's wardrobe but I totally dropped the ball realizing that he didn't have short-sleeve onesies! I'm no seamstress but the little that I do know I put to good use as I changed one of his long-sleeved ones to short-sleeve right before we left so he would be more comfortable. And thank goodness I did, it was really warm and he would have been miserable! Mommy success!

Per some requests, I will post a picture of my growing belly haha dear hubby is at stake conference (they have asked the youth to attend the adult session, so now we have no babysitters, and for those of us with no family close by, we have to pick who goes....what a great idea to have the babysitters taken away NOT) so I took some pics myself. I have to say taking pics in front of the mirror while trying to portray the belly is harder than I thought haha so here's my attempt and I promise better ones once he comes back!

I just have to say that second trimester really is the honeymoon phase, and I plan to continue to enjoy it as much as possible! Have a great rest of the weekend!

Sacred Birthday + Randomness

So about two weeks ago I turned the big (not really) 2-6! It was the most sacred birthday thus far. See, my grandma - whom I grew up visiting and bonding - passed away the day before my birthday. After many months of agony and growing increasingly weaker and sicker, she was finally called home to reunite with the love of her life, my grandpa who passed away in 2009, and the son who died when he was only a baby. It must have been a joyous occasion for her, and one of much happiness. As for the rest of us who stayed behind it was reason to rejoice, but also a season of mourning.

I cried, a lot, and while many told me that perhaps it was not the best given my pregnancy status I knew that tears were healing and I needed to mourn the many years that I will need to wait to reunite with her. As I sat crying on my couch I started thinking the many things that I learned from her, and the legacy that she left behind. She was an EXTRAORDINARY woman. Short and petite - yep even shorter than me!- but goodness was she powerful in her demeanor! When grandma said no or asked you to do something, it was never something you questioned you did it immediately, not because you were afraid but because you had learned to have deep deep respect for her. I loved and love her for her example in always being honest, always striving to bring the best in you, for teaching us the value of hard work, for showing us what it truly means to be a woman, and for teaching you that giving up was NEVER an option. Thank you abuelita, and may I still continue to feel your presence throughout my life as I strive to leave at least a portion of the legacy you left me to my own children.

As of this week I will be 17 weeks! Wahoo! This pregnancy has been VERY different from Alex, and while it has been more challenging in some ways I'm already feeling the difference in personalities. I remember clearly that by 16 weeks Alex was already kicking me pretty hard, this baby wiggles haha and while I do feel some kicks here and there, they are much softer. It is interesting to see and feel that really they are their own person right from inside the womb.

Alex is a joy, truly....and while he is a very active boy he continues to show more of a calm, sensitive cautious demeanor (much different than mine own!) which I have learned to appreciate, love and be grateful for. I started making green smoothies and Alex loves them! I swear, even pregnant, this kid eats more than I do. Forget about toys as long as there is a pantry in your house he's happy!

He loves running outside, jumping on puddles and building stuff. Last time at our Doctor's appointment we had to wait quite a bit until they called us in, Alex noticed they had some wooden blocks and without hesitation started building his own city. It was amazing to me to see with how much ease he was able to balance them and envision exactly what he wanted to build, needless to say that by the time they called us his city was complete - a perfectionist too!

And about a week and a half ago Brian and I went to Vegas to spend some awesome quality time together while my in-laws took care of little Alex. It was amazing! We soo needed that time to focus on each other, enjoy fabulous food and just relax. I so love spending time with this handsome man of mine! Good for the marriage, good for the soul.

Of loss and hope...

I have been postponing this blog entry for months, but with the new exciting announcement that we are expecting I knew the day had come and I couldn't write about anything on this blog without mentioning something that was so sacred and that changed me in so many ways, but it hasn't been until now that I have found the courage to write about it.

Back in November of last year, Brian and I found out I was pregnant, we were really happy and excited about what this meant to our little family. We spent Thanksgiving with my in-laws and other than more appetite than usual I really had no other symptoms. This continued for the weeks to come, and I found myself thinking that perhaps this pregnancy was going to be morning-sickness free! I had been SO sick with Alex that this was a very welcomed surprise. Yet, I couldn't help but worry, because well I worry that's what I do, but also because I had a feeling I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I would dismiss it.

Then the week we were supposed to go to get our first ultrasound and hear the baby's heartbeat, that something that you never think it's going to happen to you happened. It was a Wednesday morning and as I woke up and headed to the bathroom I knew that something was really wrong. I called Brian with shaking hands and he tried to comfort me letting me know to not panic until we knew for sure. I called the Doctor's office who asked for an emergency ultrasound - never a good sign - at the hospital. There I went with little Alex who had no idea what was happening, and by this time I had begun to experience pain, so I was trying to keep myself together. I hate that stupid policy that the ultrasound technicians can't tell you anything about your ultrasound until the office calls you. They didn't have to, I'm no expert but it was clear that the little baby had no heartbeat. Still, I hoped that maybe I was wrong and headed home anxiously waiting for the call. As I was putting Alex down for his nap, the call came: I'm sorry Mrs. Chaney but this pregnancy is not viable, there is no heartbeat. Tears started rolling down my face, and I felt angry at that nurse with her use of fancy medical terms..viable pregnancy? Seriously?! You have just confirmed that I was in the process of losing my baby, so I was mad at her choice of words. I called Brian, who couldn't speak for what seemed like an eternity, and tried some comforting words when I knew his own heart was breaking. I put Alex down for a nap and called my older sister, she took upon herself to tell the rest of my siblings and parents as I just couldn't repeat myself all over.

As I found myself succumbing to despair I heard a knock on the door, it was my little brother who had left work to be with me. He brought me some "conchas" (delicious sweet bread usually found at Mexican stores) and his arms for me to weep. We tried some distraction and started watching a cartoon that we both loved when we were in Brasil, dear Monica, it brought many good memories and a realization that my Portuguese is getting rusty! And then I heard the garage door open, and there was Brian with a face that described how I felt on the inside. He simply said: I just had to be with you. So we sat on the couch while Alex napped, and cried and cried, all this time him trying to comfort me as the physical pain was now almost overwhelming. I came to found out that it was not until I stopped going to all of the doctor's appointment that I felt I could heal, for my body was a constant reminder that we had lost our baby.

Throughout the whole process I felt deep deep sadness, but also anger as the office handled it SO poorly. There was such miscommunication that when I arrived for an appointment the nurse hadn't even bothered to check the notes and was happily congratulating me on my pregnancy, when I was there because I had already lost the baby. This happened twice. Needless to say I won't be returning to that office.

Back when I was doing my Master's I remember that one of my cohort friends had done a presentation on miscarriage, and had described the whole thing as "ambiguous pain." At the time, that phrase stuck out and thought that it made sense. But it was not until I experienced it, that I realized that the whole ambiguous side of it was the hardest for me. I felt that I was mourning over someone I had never seen, or really know. I felt that I had almost nothing to remember him by - from the beginning I had a very STRONG feeling that it was a boy, still believe it! - and that I was gathering what little I had to make it real. It was ambiguous, and it was awful. I got myself a little memory box from Willow Tree that had a boy holding a heart that says "you will always have a place in my heart." I have placed inside what little I do have, and in time that has become enough.

Why do I share this now? First, because I feel I'm finally ready. Second, because I gathered strength from the experience of other women who had the courage to write down their own experience: I was not alone. And third, because well I got pregnant so incredibly fast after losing the other baby (it was not planned nor expected but a huge blessing nonetheless), that I feel I never had closure as morning sickness did come with this one - still going ugh! - that I had to focus on managing my symptoms and taking care of Alex, and now that I was ready to share the news and that I do have some good days, I knew closure was around the corner. Which brings me with a piece of advice, I had some well-intentioned friends/family who told me that I was young and I would still have other kids, please never say this to a woman who has miscarried, one baby CANNOT take the place of another.

Writing this has in no way lessened the happiness I feel about this new pregnancy, or put a damper on it. But it has reminded me that somewhere I have another boy who will one day be a part of this family, and I will get to love him and kiss him to my hearts desire. And it has made me so grateful for our Alex, and my amazing husband who have truly showed me that happiness is found even when we might be going through a dark time. Alex was my angel, constantly reminding me that I had so many reasons to smile and laugh out loud as he does the funniest things.

Do I still think about the other baby? Everyday. But in time it has changed from a feeling of deep loss, to that of hope. I know that I have an angel watching over me, one already playing with me, and another on its way.

A mother's worry

I thought I knew worry until I had Alex. I knew worry when I was in college studying for that dreaded final, I knew a whole different side of worry the first time Brian had to work until 2am in the morning, and then a complete different animal once Alex was born. It wasn't just an anxiety kind of worry but almost excruciatingly physical - totally felt nauseous when he got that HORRIBLE cold when he was barely 7 weeks old. As I told my mom once during a phone conversation "it seems that being a mom entails being in a state of perpetual worry!"

 
Yesterday was not a very good day. It all started at 9am with Alex's appointment with the allergist, and something a mother never wants to hear came out of that doctor's mouth: he has a peanut allergy, here's your prescription for the EpiPen and here's how you use it - while demonstrating jamming it on his thigh - and you need to do it without hesitation....Ok he was probably better at it than what I'm describing but that's how I heard it....and not gonna lie trying to look extremely composed, and keep a rational head to ask all of my questions...when really all I wanted to do is cry, out of worry. It all got worse when he woke up from his nap with a very swollen red eye, a reaction to his test to determine if he was allergic, so there I go getting him some Benadryl hoping it's just a reaction and not pink eye - he woke up fine today thank goodness. So, yes I worry, I'm a worrier and being a mom certainly didn't help haha.

So here's the thing...I don't like being worried, it sucks, I don't enjoy that feeling in my gut...but for whatever reason the worry I experience towards my little boy can be a very tender experience. It's a constant reminder that I worry about someone infinitely more than I worry about myself, that I would do anything to help him - even though I can't do that all the time - it is a reminder of my mother love for him. So yes, I don't enjoy getting worried but I do enjoy the way my heart melts in tenderness for him.