In remembrance

Life is good. Life is full. Life is busy (let's add a super in there haha). My little Matt will be turning 3 months right on Christmas day and I can hardly believe it, it's been weeks since he's been wearing 3-6 month old clothing, and while growing up does come with so many benefits (ehem sleep) I'm also mourning the fact that he will never be this little again. He's my rainbow baby, and I'm so incredibly grateful for him.

Today I remember my other boy, whom I never met, a year ago today he went back to Heavenly Father entirely too little but big enough in spirit that he clearly didn't need this earthly experience. A mother's heart never forgets, and while it's been an entire year, there is always a part of my heart that has a little missing piece, for that piece belongs to him, and him alone. When I'm not chasing Alex or nursing Matt, I find myself wondering where he is, how he looks like, and in what ways he has already influenced my life without me knowing it.

Today, I don't want to relive what it was like to lose him, but instead what it was like to have him even if it was for just a short period of time. We found out around Thanksgiving, so I remember gladly eating more that I should have because I could haha. I remember flying that weekend to Washington to meet my niece for the very first time, and be a part of her baby blessing.

I remember not feeling nauseous yay! Just feeling a bit tired and with more appetite than usual.I remember looking at my Christmas tree and telling Alex he would be a big brother - not that he had any idea what that meant haha. Today I re-read a poem a dear friend of mine sent me during October (it was Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month ) which gives me so much peace in knowing that one day I will meet him.

Daddy please don't look so sad,
Momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus,
And He sings me lullabies

Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you
And then changed his mind.

You see I'm a special child,
I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
A product of your love.

I'll always be there with you,
So watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star
And know that's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost
That mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it is me
Planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy,
That's just me giving your heart a hug.

So daddy don't look so sad
And momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies!

I don't believe in coincidences, and the fact that this all happened right around Christmas, as the joy and warmth of the season gave me the much needed strength I was craving a year ago.Today is no exception as I reflect upon the many blessings I have, including the bit of sadness I experience which is another proof that he was real. One day I will get to hug him and kiss him, maybe even sing to him, but for now I have plenty of arms to hug, faces to kiss, and bedtimes to sing.