Why a mother

In the spirit of reflecting in the why of many things it seems only fit than one should wonder why in the world we decided to become mothers in the first place. The world offers so many options to women, some better than others, but among all of those options so many of us decide that against all odds and criticism we wanted to be mothers. After the birth of my son I had several friends come by and one of them congratulated me for not having a colicky child because her first born had been so colicky she had even wondered why in the world anyone wanted to be a mother. This comment hit me right between the eyes because I had never answered that question, why did I want to be a mother? That question haunted me for quite some time, and brought me to consider so many options. It was especially hard to figure out why when my little one was waking me up every 2 hours, when everything seemed to go wrong in the morning, when I didn’t even have time to eat, and I found myself so stressed I couldn’t even nap…again why did I want to be a mother? The answer came as I started considering my own mom. We as children have a talent for finding and seeing the mistakes they made with us, and believe me my mom made plenty of mistakes, but I realized that it what had made an impact on me were not the times when she was "perfect" but when she was trying. I had several memories come to mind as I remembered my mother hand washing my clothes because the washer had broken down (yet again), of several times when she faithfully took me to the hospital at 3am in the morning because my fever would not come down, the many times when I would find my clothes neatly stacked on my bed smelling “like mom,” the many school mornings when she tried to do my hair in a really cute way even though she struggled with the task, the first time she listened as I told her about my broken heart over a boy, and the many times she tried to understand me as a bit of a rebellious teenager. Yes there plenty of mistakes but in these memories I recognized how she made me feel when I was mothered by her. I wanted to not only feel that immense love only a mother recognizes but to have someone else feel that love. I wanted to be a mother because I wanted to create those priceless memories regardless of how hard it might be. And it is hard, many times I have told my sweet husband that as a family therapist it is easier to see clients for 10 hours straight than to be a mom. Our job is truly wonderful as it goes beyond the present time it echoes in the future of our little ones, just as I experienced remembering my own mom. I know that my mom could have chosen to be many things in life, easier things, but it is among those memories that I realize that she chose to be a mom, she chose to be my mom. That is what I want my children to remember, I want them to know that among many options mommy had I chose them, I chose to mother them, I chose to create those memories, I chose to be their mother. Mom, thank you for making me realize why I wanted and want to be a mother.

Motherhood

Well here I am writing after over a year of not writing at all....Again blogging is not my forte, and at this point I don't think it will ever be. I wanted to share some thoughts though, it has always been healing for me to write and for some reason sometimes it feels that the thoughts need to be shared and this is one of those occasions. Yesterday was probably one of the most stressful days as a mother since Alex was a newborn. Everyone who knows Alex has seen that he is such a good baby, very easy going, eats like a champ, and sleeps very well. Yesterday he decided he didn't want to do the bare minimum things that keep him alive: eat and sleep. The morning was wonderful, he woke up with the biggest smile on his face and ate his meals and slept his naps as usual. By early afternoon, he decided he didn't want to eat much this had happened in the past so I wasn't worried so I tried to soothe him for his nap. It took me a bit longer than usual but he finally fell asleep...I felt satisfied. Well 10 minutes after I had placed him on his crib he woke up, absolutely refusing to go back to sleep. This was really frustrating because I know that his night sleep really depends on how well he sleeps in the morning. I tried not to worry and said that he would take a nap after his next meal to make up for this one. Notice that at this point he is a bit cranky because he didn't get his usual nap. The next meal came along and he ate just fine from one breast, but then ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to eat from the other one. I tried soothing him, changing positions, waiting you name it. He got so incredibly worked up that he caused himself to throw up everything he had eaten up until that point all over me, the carpet, himself, and the recliner...great! At this point, I was beyond frustrated...I was crying! He was so upset that even though I offered the breast again he didn't eat even though he was obviously hungry. I placed him on his crib while he tried to eat his hands and headed to my room to take some time. I took some deep breaths and finally decided to surrender to prayer as I was feeling really upset. I came to back to get him and clean up the mess, as usual Alex received me with the biggest smile. It hit me then that he didn't need for things to go perfect or for me to be perfect, he only needed me...imperfect me. That smile let me know that he was perfectly happy, I held him in my arms for a good 10 minutes while he just looked deeply into my eyes. Words cannot describe the love, and the instruction I received from him. I struggle big time with perfectionism, but at that time I understood that it couldn't be perfect, and that imperfection had never tasted so sweet. Motherhood is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is the most rewarding feeling in the world. It is at times like these that I gain perspective and I happily surrender my imperfections and decide to be imperfectly happy. Motherhood is completely unexpected as you have this little one you cannot control, Alex is his very own person, and this tiny person has showed me more in almost 3 months than I have learned in 24 years. I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother, it is truly wonderful. Is it hard? Absolutely! Is it worth it? There is absolutely no question about it...As I finish writing this post I realize in the baby monitor that Alex just woke up from his nap, I close knowing that he will receive me with the biggest smile...that smile that tells me everything I need to know.

Need more discipline!

Dear friends,
As my title clearly explains more discipline is necessary to keep an updated blog. I found that I hadn't done it in almost a year because it was definitely not in my priority list. As things slow down and I find myself with more time (but somehow equally tired and same level of stress) I thought that it would be therapeutic to write some things. Life continues to go by fast as days blend into weeks, and weeks into months. For quite some time I had felt that if I slowed down I might get a heart attack! Needles to say I was wrong. Mondays are usually days of reflection for me as I have more time to ponder and continue to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and myself. It has been a time of immense growth and trials. But I will say that I have come to know myself, but more importantly love and respect myself more than I had done in the past. I have been thinking about the concept of power and how powerful I have been feeling as of late. Let me be clear, by power I do not mean the common mistake of confusing respect with fear, or abuse. I mean the sort of power we receive when we are in the "Lord's errand." As some of you readers might know (my wonderful husband and beloved MFT cohort) last year past ghosts came back with a firm resolution to attack and attempt to destroy my beauty and inner peace. It was a long, heart-wrenching battle, but I realized that I was able to gain power because this is something I needed to do. I had this battle at the precise time I needed to have it, with the right people, and at the right place. As one of the books I'm currently reading states "sometimes, the Lord sends His blessings in such a highly unlikely, dramatic, or precisely timed manner, that it might be likened to a 'divine signature.' It is as though the Lord signs the blessing personally so that we will know with certainty that it comes from Him." The interesting point is that the blessings he describes in the book most often come in the form of a trial or a problem. I have come to understand this as I have armed myself with the things I know to be true and went to the battlefield promising myself I wouldn't give up until it was done. It is still not over, but the enemy is retreating and I have gained more than territory but a firm testimony of the power that is given to us when we do something difficult, especially when we believe it is not possible. I have been blessed with angels who fought by my side and never failed to believe in me. Most importantly, although there were times when I had chosen to weaken my belief in my Savior, He NEVER stopped believing in me. Now, I'm determined to never stop believing in Him either. At this time, I want to promise that His hand is ever stretched for all of those who choose to believe. He never leaves, He always believes. I'm grateful for the wonderful life I have been given, for having a wonderful husband who has always believed in me as well, and for know believing more in me, in truly seeing the beauty amidst the scars, of being proud of the times I have fallen but managed to go on. This is true happiness for me, and it is undeniable.

Ok...I'm not the best at this

Ok, like the title says, I'm definitely not very good at blogging, but I hope that I can better eventually. Life continues to go on, and time seems to get faster and faster. I am beginning to truly admire the gift of time, since it seems that most of the time it slips out of my hands. I have read my scriptures in the morning for the past two months. It seems that somehow, times stops while reading in a way, I don't feel like I'm running. When I look at the clock it has been longer than I thought it was! I have learned to appreciate the little moments of pondering that reading in the morning brings.
Lately, I have been feeling rather absent minded (evidence of writing this post over a month later), I feel as if somehow my life is involved with several different ones. Between the students I work with at work, and my clients, I have found myself thinking plenty of them. Since this started happening, I have decided to have some famous "self-care" as they call it. I have started running 3 times a week, which leaves me pretty tired but feeling renewed and ready for another day. I have also decided to start doing cross-stitching again as a past hobby of mine:) I still have to decide what to do, but I'm sure it will go somewhere in our living room.
Ok enough complaining, I feel extremely grateful! Even though life has been busy, I continue to feel blessed by a loving Heavenly Father. I have been thinking a lot the talk by Dennis E. Simmons "But if not" (highly recommend it!). It has made me ponder about the real meaning of trusting Him. I feel that sometimes we say we trust You...but please do it my way haha I have started working on asking for a spirit of acceptance of those things which I consider should be taken away; yet, might not be and still have faith in Him. Why shouldn't I? After all, He knows me better than I will ever know myself. This sentence has stuck with me "Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments - by exercising faith even when they don't know how the Lord is shaping them" or should I say even when I don't know how the Lord is shaping me. Because I truly don't know sometimes, I just know that He is, and that knowledge gives me comfort.
I am grateful for this time in my life when I get to unify what I believe in, with my clients, my secular education, my marriage, and who I am as a daughter of God. It seems that within my sometimes chaotic life there is order, there is meaning, there is a sense of the greater, it is only a matter of being willing to pause open my eyes and truly see it.

After a 2 year abscence...

Hello everybody!
Well this is rather embarrassing....I left my blog alone for two years, shame on me. Well I had been thinking now for a couple of weeks that I should really write a blog again. Pretty much everything has changed since my last blog. Well at that point my loving boyfriend who was just meeting my family became my loving husband. We will be married for a year next month! Crazy I know. My little brother who had just arrived to BYU is now in Long Beach California serving a mission (amazing!). My parents have moved back and forth - as usual - and now the only family member I had living close to me is moving to Florida - which seems usual as well.
Since then I graduated from my Bachelors in Psychology from BYU and started my Masters in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. It has been quite an adventure to say the least. My life became from busy to incredibly busy between homework, two jobs, housework, clients, my thesis, and my calling. Despite all of the things that seem to pull me into a million different directions, I can say that I have never grown so fast in my life. Past experiences had forced me to grow - or so I thought - but now it seems to me that I was just pushing them aside and moving on with my life. Now I realize that being in the MFT program has pushed me - if not forced me - to deal with past struggles and basically become a better, more centered person. Fortunately, I've had the company of my amazing husband to keep me sane, and to wipe my tears away when I get overwhelmed.
The Atonement of Christ took a new meaning to me as I have seen how it plays out for other people and not just myself. Being a witness for other people's pain has opened my heart to understand how Christ is a witness for ours, and while I am trying to be a healer, Christ is the only true source of healing which light I am trying to project. I have come to find that I can deeply care about people who are "strangers" to me, at the same time that they have shown me my inadequacies and my own fears. It has truly been an amazing experience, and between stress, laughs, and tears I can confidently say that I am being stretched and it is a paradoxical good feeling.
All for now, but I promise to keep you posted. Search to stretch yourselves.

On a rainy day

Hello everyone! It has been weeks again since I updated my blog. I have been busy between getting a license, doctor appointments, helping Dany - my little bro - get all settled up and family meetings. Today is raining and it is windy...I'll be honest I had never been a fan of the rain because somehow I would always get sick when it was raining and I got wet, so yeah I was not very fond of it. That has changed haha and today I just woke up feeling gratitude! This past week was absolutely amazing! Dany finally came to college! I can't believe this as I feel that it was just yesterday that I came here! Well the shopping madness started. We took him to Target, Wal Mart, Ikea and Bed Bath and Beyond to buy all the stuff he needed. I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the day!! This just made me appreciate what my parents and older siblings have done for me all this time by helping me get all settled when it was my turn.

It was Thursday that Lili and my parents came to Utah to help with last minute details/ more expensive stuff haha....Well I didn't see them that day because Brian, Vince, Heidi and me went to the Boyz II Men concert in Orem - yeah I know weird! It was an amazing concert and I had the greatest time! It is usually the case that when you go to a concert and you don't know the lyrics that concert ends up being boring, well this was so not the case for this concert. I didn't know most of the songs but I found myself dancing and just going along with the crowd! It was soo much fun! Not to say that I was absolutely amazed by the talent this guys have, they sing like nobody's business! It was a great evening and the company was great:)

Friday was such an interesting day haha I went up to Wyview to meet with Dany and my parents. As soon as I saw them parking I went downstairs and I first saw my Mom. Lately I have been kinda emotional - don't ask why - so of course I started crying because I hadn't seen her since January! Then I saw my aunt Ruth who is like a mom to me and last but not least my dad who gave me the biggest hug - and of course made me more emotional haha. Then I saw Lili with Christian and I just couldn't believe that the whole family was there after months of being separated. We bought more stuff for him and then it was dinner time with the Woodbury's. They have been friends with my parents since 1974! So they are nice people but they definitely weird haha. So Dad, Dany and me picked Brian up to go to Sandy for dinner. So yeah it was Brian's first time meeting my parents, but it went very well! We wound up having an excellent time at dinner time between talking and translating from one language to the other haha

Saturday was my Dad's bday! yay! and we were also celebrating my parent's 35th anniversary! Thirty five years! Holy Cow! that is a ver long time haha.....but they looked absolutely happy, not to say adorable! So we got to Leo's place early in the morning because my family was going to a session to the West Jordan Temple. So yeah it was our job to take care of Christian and Tiago, and buy some lunch, cake and decorate the living room. Well as much as I hate to fully admit it Brian's right, men are efficient and they were back in no time with the cake and pizzas. I wrote Happy Bday Leo on his cake - which turned out decent haha - and it quite a challenge to take care of two babies. I love them to death but I have to admit that I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Well bottom line is that I survived but more important they did as well haha. For dinner, we went to The Roof which is in Salt Lake and has the nicest view of the Salt Lake Temple! The food was delicious as it was a buffet which had pretty much anything you can think of! It was an amazing night and I was feeling extraordinarily happy! Dinner was over and I had to say goodbye to them because they were leaving the very next day early in the morning. All I'm going to say is that I got emotional again haha

This past week was such a blessing. I had the opportunity to spend every single day with the people I love the most in my life. I couldn't ask for anything better. It was just perfect!

After a long absence...

Hello everyone!! First sorry it has been a couple of weeks since I updated my blog, I've been insanely busy with school and all...so hey I have an excuse maybe not the best haha but still an excuse...Well next week I'm done with summer term! yay! I am super excited to finally rest from the crazy schedule I've been having. That doesn't mean that I won't do anything all day long! I can't do that I'm too ADHD for that haha. It means that I will have time to do the things which I have been postponing due to hw and whatnot. I will have time to properly study for the GRE test - I have been slacking and neglecting on this hehe - I will be able to get my UT drivers license and my social security number. Not to mention that in a few weeks my entire family will be here!!!! I am SO SO SO excited!! I haven't seen them since January.They're coming here because my little brother is finally coming to BYU. I can't believe that! He is my little baby so it is quite unbelievable that he is already coming to college. I'm not complaining that will give me the opportunity to see my family reunited again! I feel so incredibly blessed to have a family that stays close together at all situations. It would take me a lifetime to thank each one of them individually for everything they have done for me; however, all I can really give them is my love as my eternal family.

As said there will be no rest for me haha....This weekend is going to be a huge and long roadtrip to Chehalis to see my sister. Brian and me are going over there to be at Blakes and Martha's wedding in Portland, Oregon. It is going to be a long ride but hey that's ok, I'll be done with school and I'll make some sandwiches or something for the way haha....I'm excited for that as well as I'll get to see my sis, Mike and my little nephew Christian who gets cuter and cuter everyday! It will be an intense weekend but oh well for a good cause haha.....

I know I said that I'm so happy to be done with school...and I really am...but last week we had the privilege of having Dr. Richard Williams in class which was such an interesting and uplifting experience. We were talking about the Methodology that psychology uses. You must really be passionate about psychology and believe what it could do rather in what has been done. If you do not hold to that thought and motivation it is really easy to choose another major because the news are definitely not good. Our entire methodology is based on the older one that physics used about 200 years ago! The method is solely based on the scientific inquiry - and here lies the problem. We have method before the theory. We try to describe humans instead of understanding them. The scientific method so efficiently eliminates context, culture and in so many cases - neuroscience and cognitive - leads to a clear determinism with naturalism. This Cartesian Dualism is the biggest problem psychologists are facing. We can see everyone knocking the door of neuroscience, but no one knocking on an ethical phenomenology or hermeneutics. If we could only consider another ontology we would see that we need the whole in order to understand the complexity of what it means to be a human being, instead of trying to place universals in such a rich existence.

This is exactly why I don't lose motivation and hope that some psychologists will try to change this big error and try to make a difference in a way that it impacts the life of human beings for good and not just a solution with a "pill." This discussion lead to the obvious issue of agency that psychology has been struggling for the past 50 years with the notion of cognitive psychology and now neuroscience which seems to place the human being in a atomistic way - like a self contained machine. The discussion was quite interesting here are some of my insights: Often, we talk about agency as though it were merely the ability to choose. Yet the word agency suggests that it is more than that. If we are “agents,” what are we agents of? To simplify, we shall here say that what we “choose” is to be an agent either of Truth or of non-truth. Let’s assume we prefer being agents of Truth. To be an agent of the Truth is to know the Truth and live the Truth. If Truth is a being - Jesus Christ- then our knowing the Truth is not knowing about the truth, but a relationship with the Truth. But each one of our lives is unique, which means each one of our relationships with Truth is unique as well. That means that to be an agent of Truth differs from person to person. When I act, I act on behalf of the Truth, and my actions bear - or should -witness of the Truth. In this way, I testify of Christ and He is universal in that he is in relationship to everyone. But the truth for others, or their relationship with the Truth, will differ because their context is different - no matter how fine the distinctions.

This is precisely what psychology is missing those fine - but yet - fundamental distinctions between each one of us. If we could only grasp the complexity and the richness of what it entails to exist and to experience, or as a Hermeneutics would say, "to add meaning to things," our approach towards understanding people would be absolutely different. As said before, I do not lose hope because I know that even though there are few psychologists that are willing to take this different ontology and apply it, a few are always better than none. As I conclude my undergraduate degree towards the Master's program I want to keep this notion in my mind at all times, never forgetting why I'm doing what I'm doing: to make even the slightest difference, to bring people to the Truth and hopefully make their lives better.

PS. Sorry for the LONG post, I just had so much to say...plus I got excited :)