Alex growing up so fast!

A quick view of Alex and how fast he's growing...yes, I'll take credit for that haha! We love you little one!

Doing your best vs. Perfection

Ok,I know plenty of my posts have to do with perfectionism and my struggle with it. I can't help it, I have an internal need to do things perfect, have a perfect day etc. I'll admit I used to be way more of a perfectionist before I had Alex, but every once in a while it creeps back and I find myself feeling frustrated at not being able to do it all. I receive so many emails about the things you should be doing with your baby each day for him to develop his mental, physical, and emotional milestones. Needless to say that list it's exhausting they advice to: read to him, play with him, floor time, take him for a stroller, massage time, talk to him, teach a bit of sign language, tummy time and the list goes on and on...that on top of the basic feeding and napping routines. I'm not going to deny I've tried to do it all...plus try to take of myself with my 3 basics exercise, reading, and currently learning more Italian. I wasn't able to do all of these things in one day and was finding myself frustrated. As a mom you always have the feeling that you're not doing enough, and it was even harder when I was trying to fit in some pampering time for myself. I started having a very negative feeling towards my to-do list, so I decided to not have one. I cannot describe enough the sense of relief. I started realizing that when I was doing my best versus trying to do perfect, I enjoyed little Alex so much more, and even my exercise routine became more pleasant because it wasn't something I needed to scratch off a list. I'm currently reading a book called "Mothers of Faith" and one story in particular touched me deeply and led me to make many changes in the way I approach motherhood, and my life as a woman. The book is filled with stories that certainly motivate you as they usually talk about these moms that certainly did it all! But there was one story in which the author started with the simple line "the greatest gift my mother gave me was her own acceptance of her inadequacies and her flaws." He goes on to explain how his mother dealt with her sometimes short temper, lack of cooking abilities etc. He says that he learned more from what his mother struggled than what she was good at because his mother was real to him, she wasn't perfect, she didn't need to be...she was just mom and all he needed was for her to do her best...and she certainly was. I took this story to heart, not only as a mother but as a woman because I'm certainly trying my best to take care of myself but I have to accept that it is ok if I can't do everything I wanted to do today, there is always tomorrow. I have the deep satisfaction of knowing that I find it enough to be trying my best, that I'm trying to be real for my son and for myself, because after all perfection is an illusion...no such thing, but oh so tempting! The temptation seems to fade when I get rid of my list and focus on what I can do, in trying to be real, in enjoying my weaknesses and inadequacies but also remembering to celebrate my end of the day accomplishments...and sometimes that can all be summed up in seeing my little one asleep through the monitor while holding my dear husband's hand while I find myself falling asleep.

Why a mother

In the spirit of reflecting in the why of many things it seems only fit than one should wonder why in the world we decided to become mothers in the first place. The world offers so many options to women, some better than others, but among all of those options so many of us decide that against all odds and criticism we wanted to be mothers. After the birth of my son I had several friends come by and one of them congratulated me for not having a colicky child because her first born had been so colicky she had even wondered why in the world anyone wanted to be a mother. This comment hit me right between the eyes because I had never answered that question, why did I want to be a mother? That question haunted me for quite some time, and brought me to consider so many options. It was especially hard to figure out why when my little one was waking me up every 2 hours, when everything seemed to go wrong in the morning, when I didn’t even have time to eat, and I found myself so stressed I couldn’t even nap…again why did I want to be a mother? The answer came as I started considering my own mom. We as children have a talent for finding and seeing the mistakes they made with us, and believe me my mom made plenty of mistakes, but I realized that it what had made an impact on me were not the times when she was "perfect" but when she was trying. I had several memories come to mind as I remembered my mother hand washing my clothes because the washer had broken down (yet again), of several times when she faithfully took me to the hospital at 3am in the morning because my fever would not come down, the many times when I would find my clothes neatly stacked on my bed smelling “like mom,” the many school mornings when she tried to do my hair in a really cute way even though she struggled with the task, the first time she listened as I told her about my broken heart over a boy, and the many times she tried to understand me as a bit of a rebellious teenager. Yes there plenty of mistakes but in these memories I recognized how she made me feel when I was mothered by her. I wanted to not only feel that immense love only a mother recognizes but to have someone else feel that love. I wanted to be a mother because I wanted to create those priceless memories regardless of how hard it might be. And it is hard, many times I have told my sweet husband that as a family therapist it is easier to see clients for 10 hours straight than to be a mom. Our job is truly wonderful as it goes beyond the present time it echoes in the future of our little ones, just as I experienced remembering my own mom. I know that my mom could have chosen to be many things in life, easier things, but it is among those memories that I realize that she chose to be a mom, she chose to be my mom. That is what I want my children to remember, I want them to know that among many options mommy had I chose them, I chose to mother them, I chose to create those memories, I chose to be their mother. Mom, thank you for making me realize why I wanted and want to be a mother.

Motherhood

Well here I am writing after over a year of not writing at all....Again blogging is not my forte, and at this point I don't think it will ever be. I wanted to share some thoughts though, it has always been healing for me to write and for some reason sometimes it feels that the thoughts need to be shared and this is one of those occasions. Yesterday was probably one of the most stressful days as a mother since Alex was a newborn. Everyone who knows Alex has seen that he is such a good baby, very easy going, eats like a champ, and sleeps very well. Yesterday he decided he didn't want to do the bare minimum things that keep him alive: eat and sleep. The morning was wonderful, he woke up with the biggest smile on his face and ate his meals and slept his naps as usual. By early afternoon, he decided he didn't want to eat much this had happened in the past so I wasn't worried so I tried to soothe him for his nap. It took me a bit longer than usual but he finally fell asleep...I felt satisfied. Well 10 minutes after I had placed him on his crib he woke up, absolutely refusing to go back to sleep. This was really frustrating because I know that his night sleep really depends on how well he sleeps in the morning. I tried not to worry and said that he would take a nap after his next meal to make up for this one. Notice that at this point he is a bit cranky because he didn't get his usual nap. The next meal came along and he ate just fine from one breast, but then ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to eat from the other one. I tried soothing him, changing positions, waiting you name it. He got so incredibly worked up that he caused himself to throw up everything he had eaten up until that point all over me, the carpet, himself, and the recliner...great! At this point, I was beyond frustrated...I was crying! He was so upset that even though I offered the breast again he didn't eat even though he was obviously hungry. I placed him on his crib while he tried to eat his hands and headed to my room to take some time. I took some deep breaths and finally decided to surrender to prayer as I was feeling really upset. I came to back to get him and clean up the mess, as usual Alex received me with the biggest smile. It hit me then that he didn't need for things to go perfect or for me to be perfect, he only needed me...imperfect me. That smile let me know that he was perfectly happy, I held him in my arms for a good 10 minutes while he just looked deeply into my eyes. Words cannot describe the love, and the instruction I received from him. I struggle big time with perfectionism, but at that time I understood that it couldn't be perfect, and that imperfection had never tasted so sweet. Motherhood is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is the most rewarding feeling in the world. It is at times like these that I gain perspective and I happily surrender my imperfections and decide to be imperfectly happy. Motherhood is completely unexpected as you have this little one you cannot control, Alex is his very own person, and this tiny person has showed me more in almost 3 months than I have learned in 24 years. I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother, it is truly wonderful. Is it hard? Absolutely! Is it worth it? There is absolutely no question about it...As I finish writing this post I realize in the baby monitor that Alex just woke up from his nap, I close knowing that he will receive me with the biggest smile...that smile that tells me everything I need to know.

Need more discipline!

Dear friends,
As my title clearly explains more discipline is necessary to keep an updated blog. I found that I hadn't done it in almost a year because it was definitely not in my priority list. As things slow down and I find myself with more time (but somehow equally tired and same level of stress) I thought that it would be therapeutic to write some things. Life continues to go by fast as days blend into weeks, and weeks into months. For quite some time I had felt that if I slowed down I might get a heart attack! Needles to say I was wrong. Mondays are usually days of reflection for me as I have more time to ponder and continue to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and myself. It has been a time of immense growth and trials. But I will say that I have come to know myself, but more importantly love and respect myself more than I had done in the past. I have been thinking about the concept of power and how powerful I have been feeling as of late. Let me be clear, by power I do not mean the common mistake of confusing respect with fear, or abuse. I mean the sort of power we receive when we are in the "Lord's errand." As some of you readers might know (my wonderful husband and beloved MFT cohort) last year past ghosts came back with a firm resolution to attack and attempt to destroy my beauty and inner peace. It was a long, heart-wrenching battle, but I realized that I was able to gain power because this is something I needed to do. I had this battle at the precise time I needed to have it, with the right people, and at the right place. As one of the books I'm currently reading states "sometimes, the Lord sends His blessings in such a highly unlikely, dramatic, or precisely timed manner, that it might be likened to a 'divine signature.' It is as though the Lord signs the blessing personally so that we will know with certainty that it comes from Him." The interesting point is that the blessings he describes in the book most often come in the form of a trial or a problem. I have come to understand this as I have armed myself with the things I know to be true and went to the battlefield promising myself I wouldn't give up until it was done. It is still not over, but the enemy is retreating and I have gained more than territory but a firm testimony of the power that is given to us when we do something difficult, especially when we believe it is not possible. I have been blessed with angels who fought by my side and never failed to believe in me. Most importantly, although there were times when I had chosen to weaken my belief in my Savior, He NEVER stopped believing in me. Now, I'm determined to never stop believing in Him either. At this time, I want to promise that His hand is ever stretched for all of those who choose to believe. He never leaves, He always believes. I'm grateful for the wonderful life I have been given, for having a wonderful husband who has always believed in me as well, and for know believing more in me, in truly seeing the beauty amidst the scars, of being proud of the times I have fallen but managed to go on. This is true happiness for me, and it is undeniable.

Ok...I'm not the best at this

Ok, like the title says, I'm definitely not very good at blogging, but I hope that I can better eventually. Life continues to go on, and time seems to get faster and faster. I am beginning to truly admire the gift of time, since it seems that most of the time it slips out of my hands. I have read my scriptures in the morning for the past two months. It seems that somehow, times stops while reading in a way, I don't feel like I'm running. When I look at the clock it has been longer than I thought it was! I have learned to appreciate the little moments of pondering that reading in the morning brings.
Lately, I have been feeling rather absent minded (evidence of writing this post over a month later), I feel as if somehow my life is involved with several different ones. Between the students I work with at work, and my clients, I have found myself thinking plenty of them. Since this started happening, I have decided to have some famous "self-care" as they call it. I have started running 3 times a week, which leaves me pretty tired but feeling renewed and ready for another day. I have also decided to start doing cross-stitching again as a past hobby of mine:) I still have to decide what to do, but I'm sure it will go somewhere in our living room.
Ok enough complaining, I feel extremely grateful! Even though life has been busy, I continue to feel blessed by a loving Heavenly Father. I have been thinking a lot the talk by Dennis E. Simmons "But if not" (highly recommend it!). It has made me ponder about the real meaning of trusting Him. I feel that sometimes we say we trust You...but please do it my way haha I have started working on asking for a spirit of acceptance of those things which I consider should be taken away; yet, might not be and still have faith in Him. Why shouldn't I? After all, He knows me better than I will ever know myself. This sentence has stuck with me "Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments - by exercising faith even when they don't know how the Lord is shaping them" or should I say even when I don't know how the Lord is shaping me. Because I truly don't know sometimes, I just know that He is, and that knowledge gives me comfort.
I am grateful for this time in my life when I get to unify what I believe in, with my clients, my secular education, my marriage, and who I am as a daughter of God. It seems that within my sometimes chaotic life there is order, there is meaning, there is a sense of the greater, it is only a matter of being willing to pause open my eyes and truly see it.

After a 2 year abscence...

Hello everybody!
Well this is rather embarrassing....I left my blog alone for two years, shame on me. Well I had been thinking now for a couple of weeks that I should really write a blog again. Pretty much everything has changed since my last blog. Well at that point my loving boyfriend who was just meeting my family became my loving husband. We will be married for a year next month! Crazy I know. My little brother who had just arrived to BYU is now in Long Beach California serving a mission (amazing!). My parents have moved back and forth - as usual - and now the only family member I had living close to me is moving to Florida - which seems usual as well.
Since then I graduated from my Bachelors in Psychology from BYU and started my Masters in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. It has been quite an adventure to say the least. My life became from busy to incredibly busy between homework, two jobs, housework, clients, my thesis, and my calling. Despite all of the things that seem to pull me into a million different directions, I can say that I have never grown so fast in my life. Past experiences had forced me to grow - or so I thought - but now it seems to me that I was just pushing them aside and moving on with my life. Now I realize that being in the MFT program has pushed me - if not forced me - to deal with past struggles and basically become a better, more centered person. Fortunately, I've had the company of my amazing husband to keep me sane, and to wipe my tears away when I get overwhelmed.
The Atonement of Christ took a new meaning to me as I have seen how it plays out for other people and not just myself. Being a witness for other people's pain has opened my heart to understand how Christ is a witness for ours, and while I am trying to be a healer, Christ is the only true source of healing which light I am trying to project. I have come to find that I can deeply care about people who are "strangers" to me, at the same time that they have shown me my inadequacies and my own fears. It has truly been an amazing experience, and between stress, laughs, and tears I can confidently say that I am being stretched and it is a paradoxical good feeling.
All for now, but I promise to keep you posted. Search to stretch yourselves.