The hardest most wonderful job

I have been thinking long and hard about this post. Many friends have asked me how it feels to be a mother, without a moment hesitation I answer that it is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do but also the most wonderful. I guess that is why I like the P&G Olympics commercial that states that sometimes the hardest job is the best job talking about mothers, and I completely agree. Some have followed up and asked me why it has been the hardest thing, I guess this post is an answer to them - and also a time for me to ponder about this. I guess I should start with a personal experience on the day Alex was born. I remember being in my room waiting for the nurses to bring Alex and just feeling exhausted. Between all the drugs they had given me for the c-section, going through surgery, and waking up before 5am to head to the hospital I was about delirious. I remember when the nurse finally brought him so I could start nursing him, I held that tiny precious baby in my arms and despite all the exhaustion I was experiencing I felt powerful, I felt strong, I felt empowered in a way I hadn't felt before. It was definitely a tender mercy from the Lord to allow me to feel that as I have looked back upon that feeling when I have been forced to my knees sobbing because I feel weak and unable to measure up to the task. In essence that is motherhood for me, a contradiction between feeling so powerful at times, but for the most part a job that constantly keeps you on your knees praying for the Lord to help you. I believe it is the hardest because motherhood implies sacrifice. Now, I thought I knew what sacrifice meant until I became a mother and realized how selfish I really was. As a mother I have sacrificed my energy, my sleep, my time, my career, and sometimes my sanity to take care of little Alex. It requires every ounce of my physical, emotional, and mental well-being to finish up a day. When he was younger it was quite the achievement when I had managed to take a shower and have lunch all on the same day! Motherhood is hard because sometimes even though I feel like I prepared like crazy - don't ask me how many books I've read- I just flat out don't know what to do to help my baby. In most of these cases you have to play detective in trying to figure it out, and sometimes despite your most diligent efforts you're still measuring short. Now, that is a hard reality to grasp and to accept, specially for someone who is trying so hard to be a good mom, but sometimes that is the way it is and you have learn to feel satisfied knowing that you're doing your best - I guess that is why I've said that motherhood is a state of perpetual worry. Motherhood is the hardest because I have never felt so overwhelmed with any responsibility placed upon my shoulders. I feel everyday how Alex completely and absolutely depends on me alone to simply survive. I alone feed him, make sure he naps, change his diaper multiple times a day, play with him, sing to him, read to him, comfort him who knows how many times during the day when he cries in a never-ending cycle during the day - I will admit Brian helps me TREMENDOUSLY when he gets home. I have found little Alex at his young 6 months watching me and trying to imitate what I do. I consider that a big responsibility for me to be a good example. And all of these things on top of I don't know how many hours of lost sleep and meals eaten in less 2 minutes. Being a mother is hard. But because - not despite- all of this motherhood is the most wonderful job. I know of no most fulfilling feeling than taking your baby with the pediatrician and seeing how much he has grown, watching your baby master rolling over, having your heart melt everytime he smiles at you, feeling a love and a tenderness that you didn't know it was possible to experience, knowing that when he looks at you he sees the source of comfort, knowing that there is no place like your arms, seeing how your baby loves your singing although you are no American Idol, seeing how he melts when you give him a massage, seeing yourself in your baby. All these things plus many more make motherhood wonderful and challenging, indeed the best job. As I finish writing this post I have Alex sitting by my side looking intently at my fingers typing away. There is no question I feel weak and powerful all at the same time, it makes sense as I truly have come to believe that one is always tallest when we are on our knees.

Priorities: The touch of a tiny hand

I have been thinking about this post for a very long time as this event happened about a month ago. It happened during one of Alex's first feedings, I can't quite remember if it was his first or second but definitely an early one. Things usually run smoothly and he will eat and then go to sleep. Once in a while things are different. This time he decided to stop in the middle of his feeding to simply look around. For some reason this was beyond frustrating for me. I immediately started thinking "great! now it will take him longer to eat which means he will nap later which means..." and there I went spiraling down my day and how it was going to absolutely mess up his entire schedule and mine, all of my list of priorities felt like they were going down the drain. I think we've all been there, one event seems to determine everything and we find ourselves thinking of all of the negative things that will for sure happen for the rest of the day. I was thinking of all these sequences of negative events when my thoughts were completely interrupted by a feeling of softness on my right arm. I looked down as I had been looking up as if pleading for some mercy from above, and I saw my sweet little boy completely focused running his fingers up and down my arm. I was completely overwhelmed by his tenderness and how with a simple touch from those tiny fingers he had managed to stop my never-ending sequence of negative events. There was a silent voice inside my head that whispered "this is your priority right now, enjoy the moment." I quickly forgot about all the things that I previously thought of as priorities for that day and found myself relaxed just being pampered by my little one. This event alone helped me change my view of priorities, and how fluid they truly are. Sometimes I'm the absolute worst at enjoying little moments like this because I'm the kind of person that's always thinking about what's coming next, my "priorities." I have come to understand that a priority can be a moment, just like the one I experienced, and that it's more than ok to let go of the priorities we had figured out for that day. I learned many things from this experience I learned more about patience, kindness, tenderness, and love, among others. However, I will say that I learned the most about how a priority can become a moment, and that it is truly up to us to just sit back and enjoy it. Alex hasn't done that since that one day, and let me tell you that I miss the feeling I experienced while I felt the touch of his tiny fingers, nevertheless, I'm grateful that I listened to that small voice and that I made that moment a priority, enjoyed it and allowed it to fill me. I go back to that moment whenever I feel overwhelmed or simply need to feel better. That moment that I first dreaded has become a bit of a treasure to me. I find that I have many of those such moments, I try to stop, interrupt my thoughts and remember "this is your priority right now, enjoy the moment."

Post-pregnancy body: a vulnerable post

First of all I want to present the disclaimer that although most of my posts are very personal in nature, this one is particularly so because it presents a vulnerable side of me, so bear with me:) I was talking to Brian last night about different things, and in the middle of the conversation he said a couple of things that were quite the shock for me. As we were talking on how I felt about myself, Brian told me that perhaps I was struggling with some confidence specially because of the comments you make about your body such as "my body will never look the same," or "I don't like this or that," "it used to look like this" among many other statements. That comment hit me like a ton of bricks because the truth is, first I hadn't even realized that I made such comments, and second I knew he was right. It is at time like those that I feel SO grateful for a husband who loves me enough to tell me the painful truth, because to be honest I'm so incredibly stubborn that most of the time the painful truth is the only thing that will help me change, and he knows it. He said it very calmly and with so much tenderness that I couldn't help but remain silent as I felt the weight of his words. I wouldn't say never, but I can definitely say that it had been a while since I felt that I had struggled with confidence issues. Not to be arrogant but I find myself a fairly confident person. Like any woman there were always things I didn't particularly love about my body but I felt very content and satisfied before I got pregnant. Once I found out I was expecting Alex I decided that I was going to have a fit pregnancy, I wanted to stay healthy. I believe I managed to do so as I was working out 4-5 days a week doing Pilates and yoga. I didn't know then that even when you maintain a fit pregnancy the first time you look in the mirror after your little one is born is going to be a painful experience, and it was. I remember that day clearly, the nurse asked me to get up because I needed to start moving around to make my healing from the c-section faster. I headed to the restroom and there a got the first glimpse of my post-pregnancy body. SHOCK is what best describes how I felt. My slim and toned body was gone, I had seriously wondered if I would ever look the same. I started losing some of that extra weight and mostly water retention within the first weeks, but it was still hard when I came home and still needed to wear my maternity pants because none of my old ones fit. As soon as I got the ok from my doctor I started exercising once more, not only for my body but for my sanity as well as a new mother. Now, five months after Alex was born I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight but still struggling. Why? Well the painful truth is, yes my body has changed, I know it because it doesn't feel the same, how can it? It managed to expand to fit an almost 8lb baby! And now it continues to change to give him the best nutrition as I continue to nurse him. Yes my body has changed, and it's nothing short of a miracle of the things it can do. My body has given life, and continues to do so while producing a kind of milk that not even the most capable of engineers can reproduce. Yes, my body has changed as it now bears the marks of a girl who became a mother and was willing to transform her body to do so. Yes, my body has changed as it now feels more powerful and resilient after being able to create and nourish life for almost 10 months. Yes, my body has changed I'm not a supermodel but I'm a woman, a wife, and a mother. I will continue to stay fit, stay healthy, but will never allow myself to lose the confidence I once had because I feel that my body will never be the same...because it won't. Yes, my body has changed and I'm proud of it!

Alex growing up so fast!

A quick view of Alex and how fast he's growing...yes, I'll take credit for that haha! We love you little one!

Doing your best vs. Perfection

Ok,I know plenty of my posts have to do with perfectionism and my struggle with it. I can't help it, I have an internal need to do things perfect, have a perfect day etc. I'll admit I used to be way more of a perfectionist before I had Alex, but every once in a while it creeps back and I find myself feeling frustrated at not being able to do it all. I receive so many emails about the things you should be doing with your baby each day for him to develop his mental, physical, and emotional milestones. Needless to say that list it's exhausting they advice to: read to him, play with him, floor time, take him for a stroller, massage time, talk to him, teach a bit of sign language, tummy time and the list goes on and on...that on top of the basic feeding and napping routines. I'm not going to deny I've tried to do it all...plus try to take of myself with my 3 basics exercise, reading, and currently learning more Italian. I wasn't able to do all of these things in one day and was finding myself frustrated. As a mom you always have the feeling that you're not doing enough, and it was even harder when I was trying to fit in some pampering time for myself. I started having a very negative feeling towards my to-do list, so I decided to not have one. I cannot describe enough the sense of relief. I started realizing that when I was doing my best versus trying to do perfect, I enjoyed little Alex so much more, and even my exercise routine became more pleasant because it wasn't something I needed to scratch off a list. I'm currently reading a book called "Mothers of Faith" and one story in particular touched me deeply and led me to make many changes in the way I approach motherhood, and my life as a woman. The book is filled with stories that certainly motivate you as they usually talk about these moms that certainly did it all! But there was one story in which the author started with the simple line "the greatest gift my mother gave me was her own acceptance of her inadequacies and her flaws." He goes on to explain how his mother dealt with her sometimes short temper, lack of cooking abilities etc. He says that he learned more from what his mother struggled than what she was good at because his mother was real to him, she wasn't perfect, she didn't need to be...she was just mom and all he needed was for her to do her best...and she certainly was. I took this story to heart, not only as a mother but as a woman because I'm certainly trying my best to take care of myself but I have to accept that it is ok if I can't do everything I wanted to do today, there is always tomorrow. I have the deep satisfaction of knowing that I find it enough to be trying my best, that I'm trying to be real for my son and for myself, because after all perfection is an illusion...no such thing, but oh so tempting! The temptation seems to fade when I get rid of my list and focus on what I can do, in trying to be real, in enjoying my weaknesses and inadequacies but also remembering to celebrate my end of the day accomplishments...and sometimes that can all be summed up in seeing my little one asleep through the monitor while holding my dear husband's hand while I find myself falling asleep.

Why a mother

In the spirit of reflecting in the why of many things it seems only fit than one should wonder why in the world we decided to become mothers in the first place. The world offers so many options to women, some better than others, but among all of those options so many of us decide that against all odds and criticism we wanted to be mothers. After the birth of my son I had several friends come by and one of them congratulated me for not having a colicky child because her first born had been so colicky she had even wondered why in the world anyone wanted to be a mother. This comment hit me right between the eyes because I had never answered that question, why did I want to be a mother? That question haunted me for quite some time, and brought me to consider so many options. It was especially hard to figure out why when my little one was waking me up every 2 hours, when everything seemed to go wrong in the morning, when I didn’t even have time to eat, and I found myself so stressed I couldn’t even nap…again why did I want to be a mother? The answer came as I started considering my own mom. We as children have a talent for finding and seeing the mistakes they made with us, and believe me my mom made plenty of mistakes, but I realized that it what had made an impact on me were not the times when she was "perfect" but when she was trying. I had several memories come to mind as I remembered my mother hand washing my clothes because the washer had broken down (yet again), of several times when she faithfully took me to the hospital at 3am in the morning because my fever would not come down, the many times when I would find my clothes neatly stacked on my bed smelling “like mom,” the many school mornings when she tried to do my hair in a really cute way even though she struggled with the task, the first time she listened as I told her about my broken heart over a boy, and the many times she tried to understand me as a bit of a rebellious teenager. Yes there plenty of mistakes but in these memories I recognized how she made me feel when I was mothered by her. I wanted to not only feel that immense love only a mother recognizes but to have someone else feel that love. I wanted to be a mother because I wanted to create those priceless memories regardless of how hard it might be. And it is hard, many times I have told my sweet husband that as a family therapist it is easier to see clients for 10 hours straight than to be a mom. Our job is truly wonderful as it goes beyond the present time it echoes in the future of our little ones, just as I experienced remembering my own mom. I know that my mom could have chosen to be many things in life, easier things, but it is among those memories that I realize that she chose to be a mom, she chose to be my mom. That is what I want my children to remember, I want them to know that among many options mommy had I chose them, I chose to mother them, I chose to create those memories, I chose to be their mother. Mom, thank you for making me realize why I wanted and want to be a mother.

Motherhood

Well here I am writing after over a year of not writing at all....Again blogging is not my forte, and at this point I don't think it will ever be. I wanted to share some thoughts though, it has always been healing for me to write and for some reason sometimes it feels that the thoughts need to be shared and this is one of those occasions. Yesterday was probably one of the most stressful days as a mother since Alex was a newborn. Everyone who knows Alex has seen that he is such a good baby, very easy going, eats like a champ, and sleeps very well. Yesterday he decided he didn't want to do the bare minimum things that keep him alive: eat and sleep. The morning was wonderful, he woke up with the biggest smile on his face and ate his meals and slept his naps as usual. By early afternoon, he decided he didn't want to eat much this had happened in the past so I wasn't worried so I tried to soothe him for his nap. It took me a bit longer than usual but he finally fell asleep...I felt satisfied. Well 10 minutes after I had placed him on his crib he woke up, absolutely refusing to go back to sleep. This was really frustrating because I know that his night sleep really depends on how well he sleeps in the morning. I tried not to worry and said that he would take a nap after his next meal to make up for this one. Notice that at this point he is a bit cranky because he didn't get his usual nap. The next meal came along and he ate just fine from one breast, but then ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to eat from the other one. I tried soothing him, changing positions, waiting you name it. He got so incredibly worked up that he caused himself to throw up everything he had eaten up until that point all over me, the carpet, himself, and the recliner...great! At this point, I was beyond frustrated...I was crying! He was so upset that even though I offered the breast again he didn't eat even though he was obviously hungry. I placed him on his crib while he tried to eat his hands and headed to my room to take some time. I took some deep breaths and finally decided to surrender to prayer as I was feeling really upset. I came to back to get him and clean up the mess, as usual Alex received me with the biggest smile. It hit me then that he didn't need for things to go perfect or for me to be perfect, he only needed me...imperfect me. That smile let me know that he was perfectly happy, I held him in my arms for a good 10 minutes while he just looked deeply into my eyes. Words cannot describe the love, and the instruction I received from him. I struggle big time with perfectionism, but at that time I understood that it couldn't be perfect, and that imperfection had never tasted so sweet. Motherhood is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is the most rewarding feeling in the world. It is at times like these that I gain perspective and I happily surrender my imperfections and decide to be imperfectly happy. Motherhood is completely unexpected as you have this little one you cannot control, Alex is his very own person, and this tiny person has showed me more in almost 3 months than I have learned in 24 years. I feel incredibly blessed to be a mother, it is truly wonderful. Is it hard? Absolutely! Is it worth it? There is absolutely no question about it...As I finish writing this post I realize in the baby monitor that Alex just woke up from his nap, I close knowing that he will receive me with the biggest smile...that smile that tells me everything I need to know.